Monday, July 9, 2012

Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks pregnant and only 35 days from my due date! I just cannot believe it. Its all happening so fast now! Eli dropped today while I was at work! Out of no where I just felt this intense pressure in my pelvic area. It hurt pretty bad, took my breath away and pretty much scared the crap out of me. I thought he was going to fall out of me! Like he was crowning! I started googling preterm labor I was so scared. But I pulled in the reigns and hopped off that freak out as soon as I got on :) Rational Sara kicked in and baby dropping seemed much more reasonable than preterm labor. Haha.
Work has been SO hard the last month or so. I'm carrying what has to be at least an extra 35-40 lbs on my small frame - I stopped counting. Numbers are just that, numbers. No need in getting worked up over numbers at this point. So all the extra weight bearing down on me, my hips, my knees, my ankles, and being on my feet all day at work, well, its pretty damn uncomfortable and challenging to say the least. I take more breaks to sit down and cry, than I do anything else. I'm kinda useless at this point. Every day is hard but today was by far the worst day. With him dropping and putting all that pressure on my pelvic area, my inner thighs (which are already going all loosey goosey in preparation for birth) went totally out of control! I couldn't walk, I couldn't stand, everything would just give out on me and send a fire throughout that entire area. I thought I was waddling before......NEUUP! I am officially the most waddling pregnant person to have ever waddled the earth. At least that is how it feels. I made the decision last week to not be a hero, and hang up my superwoman cape. All along I have just thought I would work till I went into labor. NOT HAPPENING. My body won't allow it. So July 29th is my last day! I will take a week of vacation and then start maternity leave. Hopefully Eli cooperates and I can get some rest, relaxation, and properly nest. Not panic nesting like I recently started doing. That is not going to work :) Panic is not what I need to be feeling right now. I know that if Eli were to come tomorrow, it would all be ok and we have everything that we need for his arrival. But I still want him to cook as long as possible and give mommy and daddy time to get as much done as possible. 
Our little man will be here very soon! We have a regular OB appointment next week and then we start our weekly visits. I never thought THAT would happen but here we are! We have one last sonogram August 1st to monitor the bubblegum, which is still stable and shouldn't be a problem during birth. Woohoo! The anticipation is almost too much sometimes. I'm stuck between totally ready and totally unprepared and not even close to being ready for everything that having a baby entails. I'm pretty sure thats normal :) It doesn't really matter because he is on his way! I have a baby head pressing down on my bladder and pelvis as a constant reminder of that :)

Friday, June 22, 2012

So its been a while since my last entry. I haven't been feeling it. I didn't really have much to say, nothing relevant. There were no real updates on Eli's bubblegum, all that I could seem to do was complain about how fat I felt, how much I hate my job, how sick I was of being sick....I was really caught up in being miserable and I didn't feel like subjecting everyone to that. That is what facebook is for. Ha. But we now have some news, and I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally so I want to share some of the information. 
We had the fetal MRI yesterday and the diagnosis was not a home run at first. We were told that it was looking like an arachnoid cyst but because of its size and location it was unusual and the imaging needed to be sent off for a second opinion. Well we got the results today. It is indeed an arachnoid cyst located on his cerebellum. The cerebellum has two hemisphere's. Because of where the cyst is, one hemisphere is smaller than its counterpart. It also appears his vermis is somewhat underdeveloped. What this means is Eli could (or could not) have some developmental issues. But we don't know much more because there isn't a lot of research out there. Hardly any, actually. So where do we go from here? We have another sonogram July 3rd where we will most likely set up our neurosurgeon appointment. Eli will need another MRI once he is born and will undergo chromosomal testing. Not because they think there are abnormalities within his chromosomes, but because they don't know....there isn't a lot of information out there and these tests are as best a place to start as any. 
There is more to the story but I wanted to keep it short and sweet and not put the cart before the horse and freak anyone, including myself, out. Basically this is a waiting game. Which we have been playing for a few months now, so we are pro's at this. When we meet with Dr. Nathan and the neurosurgeon we will know a lot more regarding what we could be up against developmentally. 
So for now we just continue to think positively, keep our heads up, stay strong and pray pray PRAY! Its all we can do! Today I have peace and acceptance. It's not to say I won't have my bad days. I will. And when I do, I will deserve them. But for now I am just focusing on a healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy that I am BLESSED to call my son. 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

SO FREAKING EMOTIONAL THIS WEEK. Barely keeping it together these days. I'm not even sure what is wrong. Nothing is "wrong" but there is so much stuff to deal with, I'm having a hard time managing. I'm getting more and more pregnant by the second it feels like. My body is not my own. It has been hijacked! I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. I'm SO CRANKY, grumpy, angry, pissed off, hateful, miiisssserable A LOT of the time. I have to smile and put on a brave face when I'm at work...and at work is when I feel most of those feelings, so by the end of the day I'm exhausted from just trying to not have a total meltdown. Not to mention I am on my feet for 8 hours working a very labor intensive job. I may not be lifting heavy boxes but I'm still moving them around, unpacking, walking all over the place, taring down displays, building new is an awful lot for a pregnant person. And this week was particularly excruciating. 6 hours on my feet at a holiday show, dragging heavy bags of products and catalogs around, having to smile and pretend like I care. We were short staffed due to vendor fairs and training's all week, so we had just 2 people all week and Thursday I was on the floor by myself for 8 1/2 hours. I still don't even know how that is right or acceptable. Why I, the pregnant person, was chosen to work all by themselves all day instead of being chosen to go to the buyer training where I could sit and learn more about being a buyer....because that is my buy...and I am constantly complaining about how I don't know enough of the science behind my job, and can I please get more training. tell me how that makes sense. And did I mention that someone at work actually had the nerve to tell me that "pregnancy is a condition not a disease". He told me this as i'm doubled over in pain with tears in my eyes because my hip had just gone all wet noodle as I was walking (the joys of the second trimester, your joints get all loosey goosey). I don't even know what that MEANS, first of all. And secondly, go to hell dude. I know you are trying to be funny, but its not. I would like to see you walk around all day, do your job and grow a FREAKING HUMAN BEING inside of you at the same damn time. It's pretty much the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm still not sure how I am managing to get through my days. My back is totally jacked up, I can't sleep, my emotions are all over the place, I feel sick in my own skin because of the weight I am gaining.....I have never in my life been more uncomfortable, EVER. And yes, I know it is all worth it. And I know the baby weight will go away. I know that I have gained less weight than a lot of women, and am still smaller than a lot of people when they AREN'T pregnant. But I gotta be honest. That stuff doesn't always make me feel better. I walk around thinking everyone is judging me, thinking to themselves that I have gained too much weight and I should look different and look better. Rationally I know that is not the case, but I walk around thinking those things about myself so clearly everyone else must feel that way too. I"m judging myself. Per the usual. I mean, I have struggled with eating disorders most my life so I'm not sure if I am supposed to be handling this any differently. And the 8 month pregnant chick at Target with stick thin arms and the stick thin legs, holding up her teensy tiny lacy bras while i'm contemplating buying all sports bras because I can't find a freaking bra that is the least bit comfortable on my big ass boobs and back fat rolls....that bitch can suck it. And I even smiled at her (while I was stabbing her in my mind), thinking we shared some commonality and she did NOT smile back. So I don't feel bad about calling her a bitch. At. ALL.
Do I feel better after this rant? No. Not really. I pretty much feel the same.
But I am hanging on for dear life, white knuckling it all the way till the end. Keeping it together as best as I possibly can. I have a ways to go. Can't fall apart yet. August 14th isn't exactly right around the corner. Its about to get a lot hotter, and I know its only going to get worse as I head into the 3rd trimester. Even though I feel the way I feel, I just stay grateful that aside from the bubblegum, it appears I have a very active, healthy baby boy growing inside me. I continue to pray that Eli is growing healthy and strong, and the bubblegum will not impact him mentally or physically. I can't wait to see his little face, and hold him in my arms :)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Today is my 1 year wedding anniversary. I wish I were able to have been in a better mood tonight. But I have been kinda a disaster since I got home from work. I didn't sleep at all last night. I worked all day. I wanted to cry and punch people the whole time. But I kept on smiling! The second I got in the car all the smiles and fake happy crap disappeared and I was swept away in all the feelings I had pushed away the last 8 hours. Exhausted, aches and pains, emotional, fat, gross, and totally uncomfortable in my skin. But I still didn't cry. I just got really angry. The last thing I felt like doing was going out to eat for our anniversary. So when I got home that is what I told my husband. And being the sweet man he is, he said "That's fine babe, come on in". And then I saw the roses, the card, and the balloon waiting for me which made me feel like a total asshole because I had NOTHING. I didn't even have a card! What is WRONG with me! It didn't even occur to me to get a card. I'm a jerk. I hate myself. So I walked straight passed allllll the sweet stuff my husband got me, went right to the bathroom and cried like a big fat baby. I walked out to the living room, still crying and he held me while I continued my meltdown. I said I didn't know why I was crying....which I didn't, but I did. If that makes sense? I apologized for not having a card. I felt, I FEEL really bad. I still can't believe I didn't get a card. I LOVE giving cards. Sigh. Anyways, Terry is a champ and has gotten handling these "moments" down to a science. He told me to get myself together and hang out with my cat. BRILLIANT. Newo always makes everything better. So I grabbed my fat cat, and changed into leggings and a big comfy maternity shirt and calmed the hell down. We managed to go to Outback for dinner. I TRIED not to be a debbie downer. But I was still feeling so upset. I am SO uncomfortable with my body right now. I'm fat. Which is crazy to say, since I'm pregnant. But I feel FAT! I feel my fat arms sticking to my sides, my fat legs rub together and leave a rash, I have fat rolls on my back sticking out from my bra.....I got a lot of extra stuff that I'm just NOT used to and some days it gets to me worse than others. Today is just one of those days. My sweet husband tells me I'm beautiful, and that he loves me. And I believe him. But I still feel the way I feel. I'm even kinda planning my weight loss after Eli comes. Low Carb diet, or Engine 2? Will I even have the energy to exercise? I hear breast feeding really melts the pounds away! But what if I can't?! Again....borrowing trouble. Worrying over things that haven't happened yet. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with my weight! Old habits die hard. I'm pretty sure I don't look as atrocious as I think I do. My transformer name is AtrociousCon. Body Dysmorphia is a bitch. 
Annnyyyyhhooooo. I have been rambling, again. What was I talking about? Dinner! So yea, we ate dinner. And we left. And it wasn't terrible. I had a shrimp ceaser salad. Like I always do at Outback. I really went just because I knew Terry wanted to go. How selfless of me ;) Now I'm in bed. Exactly where I have wanted to be all day. Hopefully I didn't ruin our anniversary. I don't think I did? I am a ruiner of important things. Basically anything where the focus and attention is all on me. Holy shit. How I managed to get through the wedding last year is still a mystery. I was terrified I was going to ruin the whole day. In fact I was CONVINCED that I would. I mean, my mom DID cancel Christmas one year because of me. She got over it, and we have Christmas now. But she told me she would never put a tree up, would never celebrate Christmas because I RUINED IT! Which I did. It was a bad year. I never want to make anyone cancel any special day again! Oh, and FYI I did NOT ruin the wedding :) Or the rehearsal. Although it was a little touch and go that day. I was kinda a nightmare. Shocker. 
So in conclusion this day is over and I hope tomorrow is better. I am going to hang out in bed, with Newo and Eli....he is having a dance party in my belly right now. Have I mentioned I can actually SEE the movement?! Too cool! 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Holy HELL. That's all I can say about today. I woke up around 6 am for work and aside from being super tired from not sleeping very well, I was feeling pretty good. I got to work and ate a bagel and cream cheese. My ritual. Then I went to the bathroom, I always have to pee, and out of no where I felt a dull ache in my lower right side. My first thought was round ligament pains so I went back to the break room and put my feet up because that normally helps. WELL IT DID NOT. So of course I google "second trimester belly pains" and a whole host of things came up. I thought maybe I was dehydrated and I was having braxton hicks contractions so I got up and drank a few glasses of water, holding my belly the whole time. The pain just got worse and I guess I started to cry without really knowing it. One of the meat team members, her name is Glenda (the good witch), saw that I was in pain and immediately rushed in to see what was wrong. She sat me down, asked how far along I was, felt my belly, said it wasn't contractions because my stomach wasn't hard. Ok, good. SO WHAT IS WRONG. She asked if I had gone to the bathroom lately (poop), I had. She asked if my pants are too tight, they are not. She asked if I had my appendix and I do. Maybe its my appendix? It hurt to touch, hurt to breathe, hurt to stand up, it hurt to do anything. So I was really freaking out. The entire time I could feel Eli moving around in my belly so I stopped panicking about him. I was pretty sure it wasn't baby related. Pretty soon there were 3 more team members around me. Do we call an ambulance? Do we wait? I called Terry and tell him what was going on. We decided he would come get me and we would go to the ER. Then I called my mom and she said it sounded like my appendix which my response to that was "are you KIDDING?! GREAT". Instead of her panicking too she told me to call my doctor right away so I immediately did just that. I got the on call staff and they told me the doctor would return my call right away. Which she did. I told her what was going on and she said it sounded like really bad round ligament pain, and not appendicitis because I wasn't having any other symptoms. She told me to go home, get in bed, take extra strength tylenol and get cozy with a heating pad. I thought that was really dismissive of her because clearly my appendix was rupturing and I was going to die at any second. But I decided to take her advice. If per chance I wasn't dying, that would be a serious waste of time and money spent on a useless ER visit. So I took her advice. Terry came and got me and we went home. Every bump and turn was excruciating. I hobbled in the house, parked my big butt in bed, took tylenol and wrapped up with a heating pad. Eventually the pain subsided. Not completely. Its been lingering all day. Sometimes it feels like Chucky from Childs Play is stabbing me in my side. Chucky like stab stab. 
I DO feel much better. I AM NOT DYING. So that is awesome. I also feel like an asshole for leaving work and making someone come in early to cover for me. I have been SO high maintenance lately. Starting back in October. I have been a disaster since I got bronchitis, then broke the rib, then got knocked up and crippled with morning sickness and migraines, then bronchitis AGAIN, then the bubblegum, and now fake appendicitis! I'm shocked I even have a job. I know I am dramatic and all but I swear I am not normally so fragile. I generally will work through anything and everything. I work through migraines, I I worked for a week with a freaking broken rib and didn't know it. I didn't call out once for the morning sickness, I just suffered! My work ethic can do you say....not healthy? But I can't stand to let people down. And honestly no one does my job as well as I do :) But since last winter when I got really REALLY sick and couldn't get better, I realized that I have been pushing myself too hard. I am convinced that is why I got sick in the first place. So now, when I get sick...I stay home. For one, I don't want to infect other people and two, I want to get better. I don't want to push myself and end up sicker. Which is my fate. Especially now that I am pregnant and its not just about me anymore. So today, when I was told to go home and take it easy ...that is what I did. And I thought about going back. I asked my husband to take me back to work. And he would not :) 
So in conclusion! Round ligament pains SUCK and I will be bringing a heating pad to work with me from now on! 


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Holy emotional disaster today. One minute I felt like I was doing perfectly fine, and then all it took was one little thing at work that I happen to VEHEMENTLY disagree with and BAM .....everything after that just brought me to tears. I am a passionate person, when I feel things I think I feel them a lot stronger than most people. I was numb for so long, and did everything in my power to not feel anything at all. So now I am totally vulnerable to all those emotions. I'm RAW. Everything that I suppressed all those years is nipping at my heals, and going forward anything that I remotely happen to disagree with or have an opinion on QUICKLY turns into this big BIG deal. I can really go overboard. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing, to have convictions,stand up for them, stand up for myself, and have a voice. But its how I go about all that, that can REALLY get me in to trouble. And now, being pregnant I am especially emotional and passionate about things that maybe on a non pregnant day I wouldn't get so worked up over. I literally had to say to myself at one point today "do not cry, do not cry, why are you going to cry? this isn't a big deal. you REALLY don't even care...DO NOT CRY" annnnnnnnnnnd I cried :) WHATEVER. I noticed that the person I got upset in front of (my boss!) totally ignored me and didn't engage in it at all. Which I'm not sure if that was on purpose? Because she wasn't even looking at me....Or was it ON purpose to try and diffuse the situation? Either way I was like "I AM TOO EMOTIONAL FOR THIS I'M LEAVING!" and luckily I was off the clock so it all worked out :) But holy hell! Does this get better? Does this get WORSE?! Am I like a prime candidate for postpartum? Am I going to be one of those crazy women that does something horrific to herself or her baby? Is it crazy to even feel that way? Should I not be saying this out loud? Does everyone soon to be mom have these fears? I feel like it can't just be me. I mean, I do have a history of depression and all the junk that goes along with that. But I feel like most of that was drug/alcohol related. Being sober is the best thing for my psyche. Actually, I have tried to take medication and it really just makes me more nuttso. SO. Hopefully I am just worrying about nothing. In fact. Why do I worry about things that haven't even happened. As my mom would say "Why borrow trouble?". So I am going to stop. Stop stressing about things I really have no control over and haven't even happened. 
Have I mentioned I weigh 141 lbs!!! That means I have gained 23 lbs. I'm not as freaked out about it as I think the old Sara would be. I mean, again, there is nothing I can do about it but continue to exercise like I have been and eat as well as a pregnant lady that loves peanut butter and jelly can :) I don't feel like I LOOK 141 lbs. I really don't! I feel like I am carrying my weight well, and I am confident that I will whip myself back into shape pretty quickly. Actually, people keep telling me I will have no problem because of how I have gained my weight so even though its just their opinions (and they really don't know what they are talking about :) I am choosing to believe them :) A friend of mine who I have worked with now for a couple years told me he was proud of me for gaining the weight and he didn't think I had it in me. So, its a totally bazaar concept but I am actually proud of myself too. And I'm proud of myself for taking it all in stride. I'm kinda amazed at myself, actually. And I apologize if I bring up weight and food and body image issues frequently. My life has pretty much revolved around being skinny ever since I was a very little girl so it is hard to break old habits. I tortured myself most my life, and I'm pretty damaged from it. I know it is hard for a lot of people to understand. Gaining this weight breeds my insecurities. And actually focusing on the weight takes my mind of the bubblegum a little. It is definitely a strange distraction. I just really hope that I don't let the weight, and losing the weight, consume me once Eli is born. I'm already plotting my diet and exercise routine! We shall see!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

So our last ultrasound with Dr.Nathan went pretty well. The bubblegum is still there but the only changes he saw were marginal and not concerning. Eli is growing right on target....maybe even a wee bit ahead of schedule?! I KNEW I was cooking a big fat baby :) He moves ALL the time which is another GREAT sign. His heartbeat is STRONG! The original concerns are still the same. What the hell IS it? And what if any impact will it have on the brain? Dr. Nathan sent the disc of the ultrasound off to a team of radiologists to get their opinion. There are some theories....but nothing concrete. They too are kinda stumped and don't know what they are looking at. An MRI would definitely provide more insight but we won't be doing that until the 3rd trimester. Eli is still so small, we need to wait till he is a little bigger to get the best picture. SO until then we just monitor the bubblegum. We have another appointment in a month back at Northside with Dr. Nathan and Dr. Stone..aka Dr. Smarty Pants Head of All Cranial Baby Scans Man. That is his new name :) After that Dr.Nathan will set us up the the neurosurgeon. Dr.Nathan offered us a second, 3rd opinion. He said if at any moment we felt compelled to see other specialists, he would "IN A HEARTBEAT" set that up. In the south, or anywhere else in the country. He would make it happen. Which was wonderful to hear. But Terry and I have done some research, we have gotten a lot of personal positive feedback regarding Dr. Nathan and his team, and we feel extremely secure and confident that they are doing everything in their power to give us answers. I'm not really sure anyone else could tell us anything different. And for now, everything is looking perfect...minus this pesky piece of bubblegum :) We are just thinking positive, hoping and praying that no matter what our little man is going to be a healthy and happy baby boy <3

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Holidays are hard! ALL OF THEM! I wasn't expecting to feel so sad on Easter. Generally its just Christmas day and Thanksgiving that really suck. But today Easter was no different. I don't even care about Easter. I'm not religious. But I do care about family. It has been 3 years now that I haven't been able to celebrate a holiday with my family. And its not like all the holidays in the past have been awesome....they haven't been. A lot of them....most of them.... have totally sucked but that was me and my piss poor attitudes fault. There were a couple years when I just didn't even show up...I COULDN'T show up.... because I was struggling to stay alive...wishing I were dead....and totally ashamed of the person I had become. But now that my life is different, and I finally have my family back....I want my holidays with them. I know I have a wonderful new family down here in Georgia. They love me, and I love them. But it is really hard for me to just all of the sudden be like "okay! this is your new family! so time to be totally comfortable with that idea!"...not. that. easy. I just let MY family back in my life. That is STILL a process. It didn't and doesn't happen overnight. And it is much easier for me to accept my new family on non holidays. Holidays are just a painful reminder that I am very, very far away from the people I love the most. So instead of listening to my husband when he says "pull it together and try to make the best of it", I sulk, I bitch, I complain, I cry, and I probably make everyone else as uncomfortable as I feel. I am an asshole. And it actually sounds pretty similar to how I made all the holidays back home. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!
Anyways...I had to get that out. It has been bothering me all day. 
Tomorrow we have another ultrasound to check on Eli's bubblegum. It's been almost 3 weeks since our last appointment. In a weird way I think that today being consumed by how much I hate holidays and miss my family, was a distraction from the fear that has been bubbling beneath the surface for the last couple days. The closer we get to tomorrow, the harder the days have gotten. I am thinking positive, I have high hopes! But I'd be lying to you all if I said I wasn't scared to death. I just hope I can get a good nights sleep and turn off my brain for a few hours. Might be hard since I just chugged a slurpee, major craving....brain freeze much?! 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

So the last few weeks have been pretty up and down for me. Clearly. Sometimes it is a real struggle just to get through the work day. My mood swings are CRAZY. Like total whack-a-doo, kook a doodle doo, bat shit, fly off the handle, freak out CRAZY. I have made the connection between feeling like I am totally going to lose my mind, and needing to eat. If I eat....I generally feel much better. So needless to say I eat all the time :) Precautionary measures :)  My husband has figured this out as well. Terry gets an A++ in "how to reel in your crazy pregnant wife from a total meltdown." I think I have gotten better at giving myself some seconds before I just take that leap into psycho-town. Population ME. I hang on a little longer. 
I also know that getting as much sleep as possible is crucial to my overall well being. And I am NOT getting enough sleep. Especially the last few days. I can't turn off at night. Which on a non pregnant day is a real issue. I have had trouble sleeping since I was a little girl. Sleep is a struggle. And lately, my mind is racing full speed ahead. For good reason. SO MUCH has happened in such a short period of time. We feel like when we welcome Eli into this world he is going to be a tiny grown up, because we have already gone through so much with him! And its only getting started! 
It is getting closer and closer to Eli's next ultrasound with our specialist Dr. Nathan. We see him bright and early Monday morning. At night I pray pray pray for the bubblegum to go away. I pray that no matter what happens, no matter what we go through, that we are going to have a healthy, happy baby boy. Its comforting to feel him move so much now. That actually keeps me up a little at night too ;) But mostly, I just can't turn my brain off. I just spin out...over and over and over. Toss and turn. Go pee. Toss and turn some more and pee some more. Eat spoonful's of peanut butter and jelly...go pee...toss and turn. Before I know it, it is almost 3 am and everyone in the room is snoring but me. Which ALSO keeps me awake! When I AM able to turn off and let myself relax into some form of "sleep" I have nightmares about what the next ultrasound will show us. It's kinda like torture. And when I DO finally REALLY fall asleep, its time for my husband to leave for work (5am) which wakes my sleeping cats up and then its time for them to turn into total shitheads and piss me off for the next 3 hours. TORTURE. But they are so cute, I just let them do what they do. Newo and Oliver <3 Eventually they curl up next to me or on top of my head. All is forgiven. So yea! That is my night in a nutshell lately! 
I AM EXHAUSTED. But I am also getting really excited! I also have moments of sheer terror. Am I ready to be a mom?!?!?!?! It is all happening so fast! I kinda want to keep him inside my belly for longer than 9 months. A year sounds perfect :) I like him in there. I feel like he is safe :) But I am sure I will change my tune as time goes on. 
I am getting more pregnant by the minute. It is getting harder to put on my clothes, get my shoes on, I don't walk now....I waddle. People make fun of me when they see me because I used to walk so fast and now I poke along, take my time. When I get there, I get there. No rush! Everything just takes a little longer and requires more effort. I feel pretty ridiculous most of the time. My balance is WAY off.... more than usual if anyone can believe that. How I have manged to get this far without falling flat on my face...or on my big pregnant beyond me. Truly. I am a walking disaster most the time. In my head all I hear is "I am a nightmare walking"....the old school, british hardcore remix...but of course.
With all that being said, I guess pregnancy suits me? Everyone keeps telling me how cute I look. Which normally I would hate, but I really love hearing that right now. Even if they have to say it...that's okay. You can lie to me. I will believe you anyways. I'll take all the compliments anyone and everyone wants to give me. Again, NOT LIKE ME AT ALL. I used to get VERY upset when anyone would tell me anything nice about myself. Take your compliments and shove them up your fake ass. I felt that way mainly because I truly believed there was no way that what they were saying could ever be true. But I don't feel so much disdain for myself these days. I kinda like myself. I think that I am pretty nifty. I am making a freaking human being. That is pretty damn amazing. Uh.Ma.Zing. 
So again I feel like I bounced all over the place, and made less than sense. I sat down with a list of things to write about and wrote about none of them :) I guess it's silly to have notes...and it's more about just writing from my heart. My once little black rotten heart which has softened and become smushy and mushy and gooey with love and junk :)

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Well my friend that I spoke of in my last entry, who has the retro placental hemorrhage, she went to the ER yesterday because the pain was so bad. When she was FINALLY seen, the stupid doctor told her that basically her baby stands a 50/50 chance. What the hell kinda quackery is that? Her friend put it best "a 50/50 chance means the doctor doesn't know what the fuck he is talking about". Agreed. I like that much better than my "miracle babies happen all the time!" Which is true too. But I feel like in times like these you really have to believe that sometimes doctors just make shit up when they don't have a real answer. I feel good knowing that she is at the OB's office right now, seeing my doctor and she has an appointment with my specialist, now her specialist, Dr. Nathan :) She is in GREAT hands! I have just have to hope, pray and believe that her baby is that miracle baby that defies those stupid odds. I know she is scared shitless. I am scared shitless for her. I hope she knows she isn't alone and I am with her every step of the way. If I could take this all away for her, I would do it in a heartbeat. 
My friend, who I will call Snarly, quickly took the role of BFF when I got to Atlanta. We had a lot in common from the beginning. We were engaged to the same guy and went through similar crap with him, we shared similar pasts, we liked the same music...lots of stuff! But it got weirder....I got engaged and married. Soon she did the same. Our husbands names are almost exactly the same. Then I get pregnant and shortly after we announce ours, she confides her little bun in the oven to me! And now we are both going through some heavy stuff with our babies. Its just plain freaking weird. I love all the things that tie us so closely together. I do not love that we are both dealing with pain, fear and uncertainty when it comes to our pregnancies....but I can't think of a better person to go through something like this with, or a better person to have on my side. I have a handful of amazing women in my world. The few that I have here in Georgia are some of the best. I seriously don't know where I would be without these ladies. I would probably feel pretty alone. It is hard to uproot your world, leave your family and friends, and start a new life and feel like you are going through it all by yourself. I mean, I have my husband and he is wonderful and I love him so much. But there is nothing like YOUR family and best girlfriends. I thank my god all the time for the women he has put in my life. That last couple years I have developed some of the most amazing friendships. Friendships I seriously did not know were possible. Healthy friendships....with women! So I am grateful. For all of you!
Love you Snarly. And all you other wonderful women that fill my life up and make me complete <3

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Pregnancy is such a fragile time. One minute everything is fine. You are on top of the world. And then out of the blue your world shifts with scary, uncertain news. I know this feeling all too well. But today I am thinking of one of my very best friends who was just told she has a retroplacental bleed. She is in the beginning of her second trimester and was just put on high risk this morning. I have been praying for her, and her little one non stop. I am SO upset because for one, I know how she feels on some level. Our circumstances are different, but I understand the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty, the helplessness, and the powerlessness she must be feeling. It is such a terrible place to be in your head. They tell you to not stress, don't worry, relax and take care of yourself. We can take care of ourselves to the best of our ability, but how the hell are we to not stress and worry? Impossible. We are women, and we are moms. That is what we do. I feel for her. I feel for her deeply. I am trying my hardest not to let this upset me too much. I don't want to cause any distress to my baby and our situation. But I am having a really hard time with this. And this is just so weird because our lives have run pretty parallel since before we even met. I mean, there are so many strange similarities going on. Bazaar. Being pregnant at the same time really put the cherry on top! It actually brought us back together. We had drifted apart for a short while, and it sucked. I love my friend and I love her little baby. I love being pregnant with her. I do not love that she too is now faced with such an ordeal. I will just keep praying for and her little one. Try to go about my day. It is all I can do. 

Saturday, March 31, 2012

One of the joy's of pregnancy for me is the ability to actually take a nap. Last night I fell asleep around 6 pm and woke up around 8pm. It was glorious. I was totally confused and stupid when I awoke. Two signs of an awesome nap. What is NOT so awesome is napping so late in the day and then tossing and turning the entire night because you are no where NEAR tired. Along with late naps, I also don't recommend watching a Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon because during the little sleep I DID get, I was a fugitive on the run....and Leland was not chasing me so really what is the point of allllll that? Not to mention, my cat Oliver was being extra shit heady from about 5 am till when he forced me to wake up at 8. SOOOOO I am feeling pretty moody today. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Oh and did I mention I didn't win the Mega Millions so now I have to go back to work on Sunday? What kinda shit is that?! Okay, rant OVER. 

I mentioned a couple days ago how I felt Eli move for the first time :) Well the last couple days were pretty uneventful. And if you know me AT ALL I went on a total freak out and googled the hell out of "baby movement 2nd trimester". I learned what I already knew....if you are super busy when your baby is active then you probably won't notice the movement. Also, baby sleeps...just like us. So not to worry, Sara. Yea right. Last night I was determined to make Eli move so I placed Terry's headphones to my belly and blasted some Coheed. It worked! Terry said "maybe he doesn't like Coheed" but CLEARLY that entire statement is all sorts of wrong and was quickly shut down. Really? REALLY? How DARE he! Baby hearts Coheed and Cambria!!!

Another thing I wanted to mention is how HUGE i'm getting. It is happening so fast!!! And the stranger part of this is that I'm actually ALMOST okay with the weight gain. Even though it would appear my arms are pregnant with little fat babies growing in them. And for the first time in probably NEVER my legs touch. Meaty thighs! I had hoped some of the chunk would go to my butt, BUT nope. Still flat with a crack. No fairs. 
I know it sounds like I'm not okay with all the changes, but I pretty much am. I was terrified of getting pregnant for a very long time because of the weight gain. I even convinced myself that I would never have a baby just because I didn't want my body to go to shit. Then 28 rolled around, that clock started ticking VERY LOUDLY and I went totally goo goo ga ga baby crazy. Working at Whole Foods, constantly being surrounded by a sea of baby cuteness did not help. And of course after I was married, having a baby was ALL I could think about. But the weight gain still freaked me out. Having struggled with eating disorders since I was a little girl, I had every reason to be terrified of getting fat. But now I don't look at it like i'm "getting fat". I'm growing a freaking human being! And he needs me to feed myself and feed him. So that is what I am doing. Boy is Eli hungry :) 
So now I have a protective layer of chunk that I'm storing for when I nurse. I finally have energy again so I make a point to go on walks everyday I can. I try to make healthy choices, but sometimes a girl needs pizza and a milkshake! Fried pickles for breakfast? SURE! I'm doing the best I can, and I know this. I refuse to beat myself up,and give myself a hard time for gaining weight and indulging here and there. I have spent my entire life doing JUST THAT. I have always unhappy with the way I look. I have been my own worst enemy and treated my body terribly. I have tortured myself long enough. And for the greater good, I'm not doing that ANYMORE. For the first time in my life I am REALLY taking care of myself. And for now I take GREAT comfort in the fact that I am still wearing smalls. Even if they are maternity smalls :)  

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Do me a favor....everyone PLEASE stop telling me how "they told me my child was gonna have this and he is fine!" or "ultrasounds are so sensitive they pick up everything and half the time its nothing!". Stop with alllllllll of that. JUST PLEASE STOP. I appreciate it. I really do. And it was comforting for a while. But its done making me feel better. I don't know why these stories are making me so angry. But they do. I already know all these things...I know doctors are wrong, and they make mistakes, and babies show markers for this and that and are born healthy ALL the time. I know this.....because it keeps getting drilled into my head. For me I have to be realistic. I BELIEVE that its all going to work out and Eli will be just fine. But do I believe that this is just a shadow, or that this is really nothing? No, I don't believe that. Maybe I am wrong. But right now I believe my doctors. I trust that they see what they see....especially since the feedback I have gotten on all my doctors thus far is AMAZING. If I just go about my life thinking that everything is totally fine, and walk around in this protective bubble, shrouded in a false sense of security and let all these wonderful stories about how everyone's babies were doomed from an ultrasound and then miraculously born perfect,....well what happens if there IS something to worry about? I am sorry I don't live my life like that. I worry. Its just who I am. I'm pretty sure most women do. And I have to be prepared on some level for SOMETHING. I know everyone is just trying to help. And I feel like an asshole for feeling the way that I feel. I feel even more terrible that my angel of a mother is the person that I just took my bottled up frustration out on. She was only trying to help and make me feel better. And instead of just indulging her like I should have I totally snapped. I'm pretty sure she cried when we got off the phone. I know I did. The last person I want to upset is my mom. Dammit. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I JUST FELT MY BABY MOVE!!!!! I have been WAITING for this moment! This is what happened - 
I woke this morning feeling like shit on a stick. The room was spinning. I haven't woken up and felt like that in a few weeks. I drank a little OJ and ate a banana and laid back down. BAD MOVE. Heartburn city and it was all I could do to keep the banana down. As I was lying there feeling like I was right back in my 1st trimester, I tried to remind myself that feeling sick is the sign of a healthy pregnancy. Then I got to thinking....hey, why haven't i felt Eli move yet? I know it happens between 16 and 22 weeks. Clearly this is cause for concern, no? NO SARA IT IS NOT. Before I completely jumped off the cliff into a total freak out I remembered something I had read a couple days ago. If you lay quiet and still you might be able to feel your baby move. So that is what I did. It didn't take too long before I felt the beginnings of a fart...then more farts...but I never actually farted. Could my baby moving feel like a fart? If you have ever been pregnant, or are pregnant (or are a Tobin) you know that gas is something you experience regularly. It is my stinky sidekick. It is what it is. So clearly this is just gas and any minute I am going to cut the cheese. BUT I DIDN'T!! Then those farts I felt actually felt more like little punches and kicks! He is dancing!!! AMAZING! I think what I thought were farts last night were little baby dance moves TOO! I started to cry happy tears! Surely my little baby Eli is doing just fine in there if he is busting out the dance moves! I texted my husband and DC bff Buhnessa to share the news (again, I have changed her name to protect anonymity) I took a shower..still smiling! And what do you know, I feel a little better! Not as pukey, not as miserable. Hopefully I can have a good day at work now. THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!!! I love my little baby break dancing in my belly :) he is cuttin a rug...schoolin out on that little baby dance floor. Just like his mommy used to do :) 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

REALLY feeling the aches and pains of pregnancy today. I work at a grocery store ( you all know the one ) and I stand on my feet all day at work. Its getting to be excruciating. My feet hurt worse than I could ever imagine, the round ligament pains can be crippling at times and my old foe sciatica has reared its ugly head once again....I thought I got rid of you years ago, man?! I know that this comes with the territory but that doesn't make it any easier. Especially since my job is so physically demanding. Even though I'm not lifting heavy like I used to, I am still on my feet walking around all day, building displays, putting out product, helping customers. If I wasn't burnt out before....I AM NOW. Lately all I feel like I do is complain about EVERYTHING. It has GOT to be annoying to those around me. Everyone hears it. If i could show you my test conversations with some of my best friends you would be like "wow Sara STFU already!". But two people in particular get it the husband (its his JOB to listen) and my bff who we will call Misa (to protect her anonymity, of course) who used to actually be my "boss" (she hates that) and turned out to be one of my bestest friends ever. She probably gets it worse than anyone. As I type this, I am also complaining to her via facebook messaging :) I wish I wasn't so complainy. I wish I had all types of awesome stuff to say to people. But I just don't. I am unhappy at work. I'm exhausted and in pain. My body has been hijacked by a little monster who is sucking the life force out of me more and more everyday. And there might be something wrong with him, and no one can tell me what it is. Don't get me wrong....this is ALL worth it. ALL OF IT. Every ache, every pain, every worry and every fear. Everything I am going through and WILL go through, its all worth it. 
I'm sorry for the rant and if I bounced all over the place, made no sense. I'm pooped. It's been a very long and painful day. I hope I can get some good rest so I can do it ALLLL over again tomorrow :)  

Monday, March 26, 2012

Do you ever wake up and just KNOW your day is going to suck? And there is nothing you can do about it? Today was one of those days. I woke up exhausted, and I couldn't shake that feeling of sadness. I spent the first couple hours of work running from the floor to the bathroom to cry....I felt silly and I know everyone was staring at me. But I really didn't care. Work is the LAST place I want to be right now. I'm pretty sure that is apparent to everyone around me. I am SO sick of everyone telling me "work will be such a good distraction for you" because guess what? IT IS NOT. When I am at work, I'm stressed out! Super stressed out! And everyone around me is stressed out too! Not to mention I am hyper sensitive and I feel like everyone is picking on me. The whole time at work I am thinking....there has got to be something more I can be doing for myself and my baby than being totally stressed out. I should be on walks with the dog, and snuggling my cats, sitting in the sun and reading a book. I should be doing things to keep me calm and relaxed, not jack up my blood pressure. But I don't have a choice. And that sucks. I HAVE to work. Ugh. 
So I spent most of my day in a total funk. Praying, crying, working, praying, asking for strength to get through the day. I created some projects to keep me busy and focused on something other than my shit attitude and how miserable I was. I really just kept my head down and charged through the day. The light at the end of the tunnel was a long walk with my sweet husband and even sweeter dog, Sienna. So by 7 pm I was in a bit better spirits. I couldn't WAIT to get home and go on my walk! And it was everything I hoped it would be. We saw cows, horses, happy people walking their dogs, kids throwing a softball back and forth, soccer practice. All these little things I took so much comfort in tonight. I think I smiled the entire time :) How crazy that we can be so depressed and down most the day, and all it takes is some quality time with the ones we love to make it all better. We came home and cooked dinner in our little kitchen, and ate at our new kitchen table. I felt "family" all around me. Even though it was just myself, Terry, the cats the dog and my little man hanging out int my belly. There was a warmth that I didn't feel all day. But man was I feeling it then. I still feel it as I write this. It is the simple things that I take pleasure in these days. I'm so grateful for the life I have. There was a time I had nothing and no one and didn't know if I was going to live another day. I went through HELL, and it was worth it because look at me now. So there MUST be a reason for the bubblegum journey. There is a lesson in all this, there is strength to be gained, there is so much love to be given....and the best part of this journey is the beautiful baby boy named Eli that will soon be in my arms :) Holy shit I am gonna be a mom! <3

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Last night I fell asleep during my bubblegum prayers. Every time I woke up (which is often) I would pick up where I left off...."please god, protect my baby as he grows inside my belly. Let him grow healthy and strong. Let every fiber of his being....from the top of his tiny head to the tip of his little toes, let every inch of Eli be perfect and healthy." The prayers are pretty much on repeat day and night. 
Today I feel weird. I woke up happy to have a visit from one of my best friends and her son. A welcome distraction. We had a good time :) A great time :) But Eli is always in my head and pulling at my heart. I had to dig deep. Put on my game face. I wanted to be in good spirits for my friend, and enjoy her company (which I did and I always do!) but part of me just wanted to lay in bed all day. I feel sick. I'm tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally......I'm drained. All week I have felt so many feelings. I've been up and I've been way down. Today I am just void of emotion. And i'm okay with that. 

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I've decided to start a blog to keep everyone updated on our little Eli and his bubblegum journey. A lot of you already may know but for those that don't, here is a recap of this week 3/19/2012 thus far:
We went in on Monday for our anatomy scan and found out we are having a boy! Much to my surprise! I thought for SURE I had a little girl growing inside my belly. NOPE! It's a boy! Okay....a boy. Alright! We are having a boy :) And his name is Eli Patrick :) Our excitement and joy was quickly overshadowed by some other less awesome news. It appeared the Eli had a spot on his cerebellum, and Dr. Nathan was concerned it could be Dandy Walker Syndrome. This syndrome effects the developmental part of the brain and comes with a spectrum of problems. Varying from no symptoms at all to totally debilitating. Dr. Nathan advised us not to do any research on our own, he made sure we knew that this was just a possibility and not for certain. I asked him if this was something I had done? Had I done this to my child? And the answer was "Absolutely not. If this is Dandy Walker this is simply a case of bad, bad luck". I guess that made me feel better? I just wanted answers. WE wanted answers. So to gain more insight into what Dr.Nathan was seeing he wanted us to schedule another ultrasound on Wednesday morning at Northside so his partner could take a look. My heart was broken. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. 
The next day and a half were torture. We kept busy with situating the new house, running errands, trying to work....which i failed at miserably, going on walks, and a lot of facebooking! We received so much support, thoughts, love, prayers, healthy vibes and inspiration through facebook and that has been truly amazing. 
Anyways....Wednesday morning came and we were on pins and needles. The past day and a half I tried to remain positive but wanted to be prepared for the worst. It is a terrible space to be in. I felt like I was in limbo, and the only thing to be was crying or numb. So when the day finally came I just shut down, had prayers on repeat and kept my hands on my belly sending healthy loving thoughts and vibes to Eli. 
We were called back and placed in a FREEZING room. It felt so clinical and made me so nervous. But the staff was amazing and made me as comfortable as possible. Dr. Nathan came in with the other doctor who I can't remember his name. This doctor is THE radiologist at Northside and head of all cranial scans of babies at the Womens Center. So, I felt like I was in amazing hands. They started the ultrasound and everything else looked perfect except the area of the brain in question. But today Eli was in a different position which gave them a totally different view. Laying there I tried to make sense of what I was seeing, which only freaked me out because everything looks weird. I told myself "YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR! SO STOP IT!" and I did. I just watched and listened to the two doctors conversation. The minute I heard "this is not typical of Dandy Walker" the tears started. I felt Terry's hand in mine, looked back at him and we smiled. A sense of relief washed over me and a calmness surrounded my heart. I just had a feeling that whatever this is, we can get through it. And my baby is going to be okay in the end.
So, what they saw was not Dandy Walker. It appeared to be a cyst. Not on the brain. But somewhere in between the brain and skull, just below the cerebellum. The cyst is a typical meaning its not common. In fact, Dr. Nathan is totally unsure what kind of cyst this is. It truly is not something they have ever really seen. And the next step for us is an MRI of Eli in utero. Then we will see a neurosurgeon to discuss all the possibilities....Eli may need surgery after he is born to drain the cyst or remove it completely. This cyst may go away. It may grow and put pressure on the brain. We just don't know. We don't know anything. Fear of the unknown is the hardest and most terrifying part. If Dr. Nathan said "Well we think it's this, and be prepared for this, this and this" then at least I would have some information. But they can't tell me anything, I can't prepare for what we don't have answers to. It is absolutely terrifying. I can't describe how powerless I feel knowing my little boy is growing inside me, there is something wrong, they don't know what it is....and there is nothing I can do but wait. 
We got home and I renamed the cyst bubblegum. It sounds so much nicer. Eli has a piece of bubblegum in his head, by his brain. That is why they tell you "don't swallow your gum!" It could get stuck in your babies head! If anyone knows me AT ALL, you know I use humor to get through all my shit. So that is what I have decided to do. Make this about a funny piece of bubblegum. Hence, the bubblegum journey of Eli :) 
ANYWAYS!!! (jeez i start and i just can't stop!!!)
All of this was sinking in and I felt okay, or thought I felt okay. Then my regular OB, Dr. Kelley, called me to check in. He and Dr. Nathan had been playing phone tag the last couple days and he JUST found out about our situation. He assured me we were in the best hands possible, told me to "buckle in girl, you are about to be on a roller coaster". Dr. Kelley is a very animated man and even though I knew all the things he was telling me, the bewilderment in his voice was scary. I asked him to help me make sense of this, and he couldn't because "Sara, I don't think they even know what they are dealing with. They just don't know." I told him about the cysts I had heard about that come and go on little babies brains and he clarified what those cysts were and this is NOT that. Again, they don't know what it is. He assured me that the team of specialist that had been and were being assigned to us were the best of the best. He told me that never in his career had he heard of a baby getting a MRI in utero. It blew his mind. Which blew MY mind! I know he was trying to express that what these doctors are doing for us is above and beyond any call of duty he has ever seen, but it still freaked me out! I called my mom, called my husband, vented to co workers. Nothing anyone could or can say can make me feel any better. Not till I know what is wrong with my son. 
So. We have another ultrasound scheduled with Dr. Nathan on the 8th, I see Dr. Kelley on the 9th. The MRI has not been scheduled yet, but Dr. Nathan is working on all that. I'll probably call next week just to check in and see where we are at. 
I feel blessed to have the doctors I do. I really feel so taken care of right now. I truly believe they are going to find out what this bubblegum is, why it is there, and do everything in their power to keep my baby safe and healthy. I KNOW THIS. I know that they will be with us every step of the way. I don't feel like a number. I feel like these are MY doctors and they only work for ME. That is a great feeling. I take comfort in this. I have to. Or i'll drive myself, and my amazing husband insane. 

Well. I hope this made sense! I apologize if it did not. I have baby brain :)