Saturday, April 28, 2012

SO FREAKING EMOTIONAL THIS WEEK. Barely keeping it together these days. I'm not even sure what is wrong. Nothing is "wrong" but there is so much stuff to deal with, I'm having a hard time managing. I'm getting more and more pregnant by the second it feels like. My body is not my own. It has been hijacked! I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. I'm SO CRANKY, grumpy, angry, pissed off, hateful, miiisssserable A LOT of the time. I have to smile and put on a brave face when I'm at work...and at work is when I feel most of those feelings, so by the end of the day I'm exhausted from just trying to not have a total meltdown. Not to mention I am on my feet for 8 hours working a very labor intensive job. I may not be lifting heavy boxes but I'm still moving them around, unpacking, walking all over the place, taring down displays, building new is an awful lot for a pregnant person. And this week was particularly excruciating. 6 hours on my feet at a holiday show, dragging heavy bags of products and catalogs around, having to smile and pretend like I care. We were short staffed due to vendor fairs and training's all week, so we had just 2 people all week and Thursday I was on the floor by myself for 8 1/2 hours. I still don't even know how that is right or acceptable. Why I, the pregnant person, was chosen to work all by themselves all day instead of being chosen to go to the buyer training where I could sit and learn more about being a buyer....because that is my buy...and I am constantly complaining about how I don't know enough of the science behind my job, and can I please get more training. tell me how that makes sense. And did I mention that someone at work actually had the nerve to tell me that "pregnancy is a condition not a disease". He told me this as i'm doubled over in pain with tears in my eyes because my hip had just gone all wet noodle as I was walking (the joys of the second trimester, your joints get all loosey goosey). I don't even know what that MEANS, first of all. And secondly, go to hell dude. I know you are trying to be funny, but its not. I would like to see you walk around all day, do your job and grow a FREAKING HUMAN BEING inside of you at the same damn time. It's pretty much the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm still not sure how I am managing to get through my days. My back is totally jacked up, I can't sleep, my emotions are all over the place, I feel sick in my own skin because of the weight I am gaining.....I have never in my life been more uncomfortable, EVER. And yes, I know it is all worth it. And I know the baby weight will go away. I know that I have gained less weight than a lot of women, and am still smaller than a lot of people when they AREN'T pregnant. But I gotta be honest. That stuff doesn't always make me feel better. I walk around thinking everyone is judging me, thinking to themselves that I have gained too much weight and I should look different and look better. Rationally I know that is not the case, but I walk around thinking those things about myself so clearly everyone else must feel that way too. I"m judging myself. Per the usual. I mean, I have struggled with eating disorders most my life so I'm not sure if I am supposed to be handling this any differently. And the 8 month pregnant chick at Target with stick thin arms and the stick thin legs, holding up her teensy tiny lacy bras while i'm contemplating buying all sports bras because I can't find a freaking bra that is the least bit comfortable on my big ass boobs and back fat rolls....that bitch can suck it. And I even smiled at her (while I was stabbing her in my mind), thinking we shared some commonality and she did NOT smile back. So I don't feel bad about calling her a bitch. At. ALL.
Do I feel better after this rant? No. Not really. I pretty much feel the same.
But I am hanging on for dear life, white knuckling it all the way till the end. Keeping it together as best as I possibly can. I have a ways to go. Can't fall apart yet. August 14th isn't exactly right around the corner. Its about to get a lot hotter, and I know its only going to get worse as I head into the 3rd trimester. Even though I feel the way I feel, I just stay grateful that aside from the bubblegum, it appears I have a very active, healthy baby boy growing inside me. I continue to pray that Eli is growing healthy and strong, and the bubblegum will not impact him mentally or physically. I can't wait to see his little face, and hold him in my arms :)

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