Today is my 1 year wedding anniversary. I wish I were able to have been in a better mood tonight. But I have been kinda a disaster since I got home from work. I didn't sleep at all last night. I worked all day. I wanted to cry and punch people the whole time. But I kept on smiling! The second I got in the car all the smiles and fake happy crap disappeared and I was swept away in all the feelings I had pushed away the last 8 hours. Exhausted, aches and pains, emotional, fat, gross, and totally uncomfortable in my skin. But I still didn't cry. I just got really angry. The last thing I felt like doing was going out to eat for our anniversary. So when I got home that is what I told my husband. And being the sweet man he is, he said "That's fine babe, come on in". And then I saw the roses, the card, and the balloon waiting for me which made me feel like a total asshole because I had NOTHING. I didn't even have a card! What is WRONG with me! It didn't even occur to me to get a card. I'm a jerk. I hate myself. So I walked straight passed allllll the sweet stuff my husband got me, went right to the bathroom and cried like a big fat baby. I walked out to the living room, still crying and he held me while I continued my meltdown. I said I didn't know why I was crying....which I didn't, but I did. If that makes sense? I apologized for not having a card. I felt, I FEEL really bad. I still can't believe I didn't get a card. I LOVE giving cards. Sigh. Anyways, Terry is a champ and has gotten handling these "moments" down to a science. He told me to get myself together and hang out with my cat. BRILLIANT. Newo always makes everything better. So I grabbed my fat cat, and changed into leggings and a big comfy maternity shirt and calmed the hell down. We managed to go to Outback for dinner. I TRIED not to be a debbie downer. But I was still feeling so upset. I am SO uncomfortable with my body right now. I'm fat. Which is crazy to say, since I'm pregnant. But I feel FAT! I feel my fat arms sticking to my sides, my fat legs rub together and leave a rash, I have fat rolls on my back sticking out from my bra.....I got a lot of extra stuff that I'm just NOT used to and some days it gets to me worse than others. Today is just one of those days. My sweet husband tells me I'm beautiful, and that he loves me. And I believe him. But I still feel the way I feel. I'm even kinda planning my weight loss after Eli comes. Low Carb diet, or Engine 2? Will I even have the energy to exercise? I hear breast feeding really melts the pounds away! But what if I can't?! Again....borrowing trouble. Worrying over things that haven't happened yet. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with my weight! Old habits die hard. I'm pretty sure I don't look as atrocious as I think I do. My transformer name is AtrociousCon. Body Dysmorphia is a bitch.
Annnyyyyhhooooo. I have been rambling, again. What was I talking about? Dinner! So yea, we ate dinner. And we left. And it wasn't terrible. I had a shrimp ceaser salad. Like I always do at Outback. I really went just because I knew Terry wanted to go. How selfless of me ;) Now I'm in bed. Exactly where I have wanted to be all day. Hopefully I didn't ruin our anniversary. I don't think I did? I am a ruiner of important things. Basically anything where the focus and attention is all on me. Holy shit. How I managed to get through the wedding last year is still a mystery. I was terrified I was going to ruin the whole day. In fact I was CONVINCED that I would. I mean, my mom DID cancel Christmas one year because of me. She got over it, and we have Christmas now. But she told me she would never put a tree up, would never celebrate Christmas because I RUINED IT! Which I did. It was a bad year. I never want to make anyone cancel any special day again! Oh, and FYI I did NOT ruin the wedding :) Or the rehearsal. Although it was a little touch and go that day. I was kinda a nightmare. Shocker.
So in conclusion this day is over and I hope tomorrow is better. I am going to hang out in bed, with Newo and Eli....he is having a dance party in my belly right now. Have I mentioned I can actually SEE the movement?! Too cool!