Saturday, April 28, 2012

SO FREAKING EMOTIONAL THIS WEEK. Barely keeping it together these days. I'm not even sure what is wrong. Nothing is "wrong" but there is so much stuff to deal with, I'm having a hard time managing. I'm getting more and more pregnant by the second it feels like. My body is not my own. It has been hijacked! I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. I'm SO CRANKY, grumpy, angry, pissed off, hateful, miiisssserable A LOT of the time. I have to smile and put on a brave face when I'm at work...and at work is when I feel most of those feelings, so by the end of the day I'm exhausted from just trying to not have a total meltdown. Not to mention I am on my feet for 8 hours working a very labor intensive job. I may not be lifting heavy boxes but I'm still moving them around, unpacking, walking all over the place, taring down displays, building new is an awful lot for a pregnant person. And this week was particularly excruciating. 6 hours on my feet at a holiday show, dragging heavy bags of products and catalogs around, having to smile and pretend like I care. We were short staffed due to vendor fairs and training's all week, so we had just 2 people all week and Thursday I was on the floor by myself for 8 1/2 hours. I still don't even know how that is right or acceptable. Why I, the pregnant person, was chosen to work all by themselves all day instead of being chosen to go to the buyer training where I could sit and learn more about being a buyer....because that is my buy...and I am constantly complaining about how I don't know enough of the science behind my job, and can I please get more training. tell me how that makes sense. And did I mention that someone at work actually had the nerve to tell me that "pregnancy is a condition not a disease". He told me this as i'm doubled over in pain with tears in my eyes because my hip had just gone all wet noodle as I was walking (the joys of the second trimester, your joints get all loosey goosey). I don't even know what that MEANS, first of all. And secondly, go to hell dude. I know you are trying to be funny, but its not. I would like to see you walk around all day, do your job and grow a FREAKING HUMAN BEING inside of you at the same damn time. It's pretty much the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm still not sure how I am managing to get through my days. My back is totally jacked up, I can't sleep, my emotions are all over the place, I feel sick in my own skin because of the weight I am gaining.....I have never in my life been more uncomfortable, EVER. And yes, I know it is all worth it. And I know the baby weight will go away. I know that I have gained less weight than a lot of women, and am still smaller than a lot of people when they AREN'T pregnant. But I gotta be honest. That stuff doesn't always make me feel better. I walk around thinking everyone is judging me, thinking to themselves that I have gained too much weight and I should look different and look better. Rationally I know that is not the case, but I walk around thinking those things about myself so clearly everyone else must feel that way too. I"m judging myself. Per the usual. I mean, I have struggled with eating disorders most my life so I'm not sure if I am supposed to be handling this any differently. And the 8 month pregnant chick at Target with stick thin arms and the stick thin legs, holding up her teensy tiny lacy bras while i'm contemplating buying all sports bras because I can't find a freaking bra that is the least bit comfortable on my big ass boobs and back fat rolls....that bitch can suck it. And I even smiled at her (while I was stabbing her in my mind), thinking we shared some commonality and she did NOT smile back. So I don't feel bad about calling her a bitch. At. ALL.
Do I feel better after this rant? No. Not really. I pretty much feel the same.
But I am hanging on for dear life, white knuckling it all the way till the end. Keeping it together as best as I possibly can. I have a ways to go. Can't fall apart yet. August 14th isn't exactly right around the corner. Its about to get a lot hotter, and I know its only going to get worse as I head into the 3rd trimester. Even though I feel the way I feel, I just stay grateful that aside from the bubblegum, it appears I have a very active, healthy baby boy growing inside me. I continue to pray that Eli is growing healthy and strong, and the bubblegum will not impact him mentally or physically. I can't wait to see his little face, and hold him in my arms :)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Today is my 1 year wedding anniversary. I wish I were able to have been in a better mood tonight. But I have been kinda a disaster since I got home from work. I didn't sleep at all last night. I worked all day. I wanted to cry and punch people the whole time. But I kept on smiling! The second I got in the car all the smiles and fake happy crap disappeared and I was swept away in all the feelings I had pushed away the last 8 hours. Exhausted, aches and pains, emotional, fat, gross, and totally uncomfortable in my skin. But I still didn't cry. I just got really angry. The last thing I felt like doing was going out to eat for our anniversary. So when I got home that is what I told my husband. And being the sweet man he is, he said "That's fine babe, come on in". And then I saw the roses, the card, and the balloon waiting for me which made me feel like a total asshole because I had NOTHING. I didn't even have a card! What is WRONG with me! It didn't even occur to me to get a card. I'm a jerk. I hate myself. So I walked straight passed allllll the sweet stuff my husband got me, went right to the bathroom and cried like a big fat baby. I walked out to the living room, still crying and he held me while I continued my meltdown. I said I didn't know why I was crying....which I didn't, but I did. If that makes sense? I apologized for not having a card. I felt, I FEEL really bad. I still can't believe I didn't get a card. I LOVE giving cards. Sigh. Anyways, Terry is a champ and has gotten handling these "moments" down to a science. He told me to get myself together and hang out with my cat. BRILLIANT. Newo always makes everything better. So I grabbed my fat cat, and changed into leggings and a big comfy maternity shirt and calmed the hell down. We managed to go to Outback for dinner. I TRIED not to be a debbie downer. But I was still feeling so upset. I am SO uncomfortable with my body right now. I'm fat. Which is crazy to say, since I'm pregnant. But I feel FAT! I feel my fat arms sticking to my sides, my fat legs rub together and leave a rash, I have fat rolls on my back sticking out from my bra.....I got a lot of extra stuff that I'm just NOT used to and some days it gets to me worse than others. Today is just one of those days. My sweet husband tells me I'm beautiful, and that he loves me. And I believe him. But I still feel the way I feel. I'm even kinda planning my weight loss after Eli comes. Low Carb diet, or Engine 2? Will I even have the energy to exercise? I hear breast feeding really melts the pounds away! But what if I can't?! Again....borrowing trouble. Worrying over things that haven't happened yet. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with my weight! Old habits die hard. I'm pretty sure I don't look as atrocious as I think I do. My transformer name is AtrociousCon. Body Dysmorphia is a bitch. 
Annnyyyyhhooooo. I have been rambling, again. What was I talking about? Dinner! So yea, we ate dinner. And we left. And it wasn't terrible. I had a shrimp ceaser salad. Like I always do at Outback. I really went just because I knew Terry wanted to go. How selfless of me ;) Now I'm in bed. Exactly where I have wanted to be all day. Hopefully I didn't ruin our anniversary. I don't think I did? I am a ruiner of important things. Basically anything where the focus and attention is all on me. Holy shit. How I managed to get through the wedding last year is still a mystery. I was terrified I was going to ruin the whole day. In fact I was CONVINCED that I would. I mean, my mom DID cancel Christmas one year because of me. She got over it, and we have Christmas now. But she told me she would never put a tree up, would never celebrate Christmas because I RUINED IT! Which I did. It was a bad year. I never want to make anyone cancel any special day again! Oh, and FYI I did NOT ruin the wedding :) Or the rehearsal. Although it was a little touch and go that day. I was kinda a nightmare. Shocker. 
So in conclusion this day is over and I hope tomorrow is better. I am going to hang out in bed, with Newo and Eli....he is having a dance party in my belly right now. Have I mentioned I can actually SEE the movement?! Too cool! 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Holy HELL. That's all I can say about today. I woke up around 6 am for work and aside from being super tired from not sleeping very well, I was feeling pretty good. I got to work and ate a bagel and cream cheese. My ritual. Then I went to the bathroom, I always have to pee, and out of no where I felt a dull ache in my lower right side. My first thought was round ligament pains so I went back to the break room and put my feet up because that normally helps. WELL IT DID NOT. So of course I google "second trimester belly pains" and a whole host of things came up. I thought maybe I was dehydrated and I was having braxton hicks contractions so I got up and drank a few glasses of water, holding my belly the whole time. The pain just got worse and I guess I started to cry without really knowing it. One of the meat team members, her name is Glenda (the good witch), saw that I was in pain and immediately rushed in to see what was wrong. She sat me down, asked how far along I was, felt my belly, said it wasn't contractions because my stomach wasn't hard. Ok, good. SO WHAT IS WRONG. She asked if I had gone to the bathroom lately (poop), I had. She asked if my pants are too tight, they are not. She asked if I had my appendix and I do. Maybe its my appendix? It hurt to touch, hurt to breathe, hurt to stand up, it hurt to do anything. So I was really freaking out. The entire time I could feel Eli moving around in my belly so I stopped panicking about him. I was pretty sure it wasn't baby related. Pretty soon there were 3 more team members around me. Do we call an ambulance? Do we wait? I called Terry and tell him what was going on. We decided he would come get me and we would go to the ER. Then I called my mom and she said it sounded like my appendix which my response to that was "are you KIDDING?! GREAT". Instead of her panicking too she told me to call my doctor right away so I immediately did just that. I got the on call staff and they told me the doctor would return my call right away. Which she did. I told her what was going on and she said it sounded like really bad round ligament pain, and not appendicitis because I wasn't having any other symptoms. She told me to go home, get in bed, take extra strength tylenol and get cozy with a heating pad. I thought that was really dismissive of her because clearly my appendix was rupturing and I was going to die at any second. But I decided to take her advice. If per chance I wasn't dying, that would be a serious waste of time and money spent on a useless ER visit. So I took her advice. Terry came and got me and we went home. Every bump and turn was excruciating. I hobbled in the house, parked my big butt in bed, took tylenol and wrapped up with a heating pad. Eventually the pain subsided. Not completely. Its been lingering all day. Sometimes it feels like Chucky from Childs Play is stabbing me in my side. Chucky like stab stab. 
I DO feel much better. I AM NOT DYING. So that is awesome. I also feel like an asshole for leaving work and making someone come in early to cover for me. I have been SO high maintenance lately. Starting back in October. I have been a disaster since I got bronchitis, then broke the rib, then got knocked up and crippled with morning sickness and migraines, then bronchitis AGAIN, then the bubblegum, and now fake appendicitis! I'm shocked I even have a job. I know I am dramatic and all but I swear I am not normally so fragile. I generally will work through anything and everything. I work through migraines, I I worked for a week with a freaking broken rib and didn't know it. I didn't call out once for the morning sickness, I just suffered! My work ethic can do you say....not healthy? But I can't stand to let people down. And honestly no one does my job as well as I do :) But since last winter when I got really REALLY sick and couldn't get better, I realized that I have been pushing myself too hard. I am convinced that is why I got sick in the first place. So now, when I get sick...I stay home. For one, I don't want to infect other people and two, I want to get better. I don't want to push myself and end up sicker. Which is my fate. Especially now that I am pregnant and its not just about me anymore. So today, when I was told to go home and take it easy ...that is what I did. And I thought about going back. I asked my husband to take me back to work. And he would not :) 
So in conclusion! Round ligament pains SUCK and I will be bringing a heating pad to work with me from now on! 


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Holy emotional disaster today. One minute I felt like I was doing perfectly fine, and then all it took was one little thing at work that I happen to VEHEMENTLY disagree with and BAM .....everything after that just brought me to tears. I am a passionate person, when I feel things I think I feel them a lot stronger than most people. I was numb for so long, and did everything in my power to not feel anything at all. So now I am totally vulnerable to all those emotions. I'm RAW. Everything that I suppressed all those years is nipping at my heals, and going forward anything that I remotely happen to disagree with or have an opinion on QUICKLY turns into this big BIG deal. I can really go overboard. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing, to have convictions,stand up for them, stand up for myself, and have a voice. But its how I go about all that, that can REALLY get me in to trouble. And now, being pregnant I am especially emotional and passionate about things that maybe on a non pregnant day I wouldn't get so worked up over. I literally had to say to myself at one point today "do not cry, do not cry, why are you going to cry? this isn't a big deal. you REALLY don't even care...DO NOT CRY" annnnnnnnnnnd I cried :) WHATEVER. I noticed that the person I got upset in front of (my boss!) totally ignored me and didn't engage in it at all. Which I'm not sure if that was on purpose? Because she wasn't even looking at me....Or was it ON purpose to try and diffuse the situation? Either way I was like "I AM TOO EMOTIONAL FOR THIS I'M LEAVING!" and luckily I was off the clock so it all worked out :) But holy hell! Does this get better? Does this get WORSE?! Am I like a prime candidate for postpartum? Am I going to be one of those crazy women that does something horrific to herself or her baby? Is it crazy to even feel that way? Should I not be saying this out loud? Does everyone soon to be mom have these fears? I feel like it can't just be me. I mean, I do have a history of depression and all the junk that goes along with that. But I feel like most of that was drug/alcohol related. Being sober is the best thing for my psyche. Actually, I have tried to take medication and it really just makes me more nuttso. SO. Hopefully I am just worrying about nothing. In fact. Why do I worry about things that haven't even happened. As my mom would say "Why borrow trouble?". So I am going to stop. Stop stressing about things I really have no control over and haven't even happened. 
Have I mentioned I weigh 141 lbs!!! That means I have gained 23 lbs. I'm not as freaked out about it as I think the old Sara would be. I mean, again, there is nothing I can do about it but continue to exercise like I have been and eat as well as a pregnant lady that loves peanut butter and jelly can :) I don't feel like I LOOK 141 lbs. I really don't! I feel like I am carrying my weight well, and I am confident that I will whip myself back into shape pretty quickly. Actually, people keep telling me I will have no problem because of how I have gained my weight so even though its just their opinions (and they really don't know what they are talking about :) I am choosing to believe them :) A friend of mine who I have worked with now for a couple years told me he was proud of me for gaining the weight and he didn't think I had it in me. So, its a totally bazaar concept but I am actually proud of myself too. And I'm proud of myself for taking it all in stride. I'm kinda amazed at myself, actually. And I apologize if I bring up weight and food and body image issues frequently. My life has pretty much revolved around being skinny ever since I was a very little girl so it is hard to break old habits. I tortured myself most my life, and I'm pretty damaged from it. I know it is hard for a lot of people to understand. Gaining this weight breeds my insecurities. And actually focusing on the weight takes my mind of the bubblegum a little. It is definitely a strange distraction. I just really hope that I don't let the weight, and losing the weight, consume me once Eli is born. I'm already plotting my diet and exercise routine! We shall see!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

So our last ultrasound with Dr.Nathan went pretty well. The bubblegum is still there but the only changes he saw were marginal and not concerning. Eli is growing right on target....maybe even a wee bit ahead of schedule?! I KNEW I was cooking a big fat baby :) He moves ALL the time which is another GREAT sign. His heartbeat is STRONG! The original concerns are still the same. What the hell IS it? And what if any impact will it have on the brain? Dr. Nathan sent the disc of the ultrasound off to a team of radiologists to get their opinion. There are some theories....but nothing concrete. They too are kinda stumped and don't know what they are looking at. An MRI would definitely provide more insight but we won't be doing that until the 3rd trimester. Eli is still so small, we need to wait till he is a little bigger to get the best picture. SO until then we just monitor the bubblegum. We have another appointment in a month back at Northside with Dr. Nathan and Dr. Stone..aka Dr. Smarty Pants Head of All Cranial Baby Scans Man. That is his new name :) After that Dr.Nathan will set us up the the neurosurgeon. Dr.Nathan offered us a second, 3rd opinion. He said if at any moment we felt compelled to see other specialists, he would "IN A HEARTBEAT" set that up. In the south, or anywhere else in the country. He would make it happen. Which was wonderful to hear. But Terry and I have done some research, we have gotten a lot of personal positive feedback regarding Dr. Nathan and his team, and we feel extremely secure and confident that they are doing everything in their power to give us answers. I'm not really sure anyone else could tell us anything different. And for now, everything is looking perfect...minus this pesky piece of bubblegum :) We are just thinking positive, hoping and praying that no matter what our little man is going to be a healthy and happy baby boy <3

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Holidays are hard! ALL OF THEM! I wasn't expecting to feel so sad on Easter. Generally its just Christmas day and Thanksgiving that really suck. But today Easter was no different. I don't even care about Easter. I'm not religious. But I do care about family. It has been 3 years now that I haven't been able to celebrate a holiday with my family. And its not like all the holidays in the past have been awesome....they haven't been. A lot of them....most of them.... have totally sucked but that was me and my piss poor attitudes fault. There were a couple years when I just didn't even show up...I COULDN'T show up.... because I was struggling to stay alive...wishing I were dead....and totally ashamed of the person I had become. But now that my life is different, and I finally have my family back....I want my holidays with them. I know I have a wonderful new family down here in Georgia. They love me, and I love them. But it is really hard for me to just all of the sudden be like "okay! this is your new family! so time to be totally comfortable with that idea!"...not. that. easy. I just let MY family back in my life. That is STILL a process. It didn't and doesn't happen overnight. And it is much easier for me to accept my new family on non holidays. Holidays are just a painful reminder that I am very, very far away from the people I love the most. So instead of listening to my husband when he says "pull it together and try to make the best of it", I sulk, I bitch, I complain, I cry, and I probably make everyone else as uncomfortable as I feel. I am an asshole. And it actually sounds pretty similar to how I made all the holidays back home. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!
Anyways...I had to get that out. It has been bothering me all day. 
Tomorrow we have another ultrasound to check on Eli's bubblegum. It's been almost 3 weeks since our last appointment. In a weird way I think that today being consumed by how much I hate holidays and miss my family, was a distraction from the fear that has been bubbling beneath the surface for the last couple days. The closer we get to tomorrow, the harder the days have gotten. I am thinking positive, I have high hopes! But I'd be lying to you all if I said I wasn't scared to death. I just hope I can get a good nights sleep and turn off my brain for a few hours. Might be hard since I just chugged a slurpee, major craving....brain freeze much?! 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

So the last few weeks have been pretty up and down for me. Clearly. Sometimes it is a real struggle just to get through the work day. My mood swings are CRAZY. Like total whack-a-doo, kook a doodle doo, bat shit, fly off the handle, freak out CRAZY. I have made the connection between feeling like I am totally going to lose my mind, and needing to eat. If I eat....I generally feel much better. So needless to say I eat all the time :) Precautionary measures :)  My husband has figured this out as well. Terry gets an A++ in "how to reel in your crazy pregnant wife from a total meltdown." I think I have gotten better at giving myself some seconds before I just take that leap into psycho-town. Population ME. I hang on a little longer. 
I also know that getting as much sleep as possible is crucial to my overall well being. And I am NOT getting enough sleep. Especially the last few days. I can't turn off at night. Which on a non pregnant day is a real issue. I have had trouble sleeping since I was a little girl. Sleep is a struggle. And lately, my mind is racing full speed ahead. For good reason. SO MUCH has happened in such a short period of time. We feel like when we welcome Eli into this world he is going to be a tiny grown up, because we have already gone through so much with him! And its only getting started! 
It is getting closer and closer to Eli's next ultrasound with our specialist Dr. Nathan. We see him bright and early Monday morning. At night I pray pray pray for the bubblegum to go away. I pray that no matter what happens, no matter what we go through, that we are going to have a healthy, happy baby boy. Its comforting to feel him move so much now. That actually keeps me up a little at night too ;) But mostly, I just can't turn my brain off. I just spin out...over and over and over. Toss and turn. Go pee. Toss and turn some more and pee some more. Eat spoonful's of peanut butter and jelly...go pee...toss and turn. Before I know it, it is almost 3 am and everyone in the room is snoring but me. Which ALSO keeps me awake! When I AM able to turn off and let myself relax into some form of "sleep" I have nightmares about what the next ultrasound will show us. It's kinda like torture. And when I DO finally REALLY fall asleep, its time for my husband to leave for work (5am) which wakes my sleeping cats up and then its time for them to turn into total shitheads and piss me off for the next 3 hours. TORTURE. But they are so cute, I just let them do what they do. Newo and Oliver <3 Eventually they curl up next to me or on top of my head. All is forgiven. So yea! That is my night in a nutshell lately! 
I AM EXHAUSTED. But I am also getting really excited! I also have moments of sheer terror. Am I ready to be a mom?!?!?!?! It is all happening so fast! I kinda want to keep him inside my belly for longer than 9 months. A year sounds perfect :) I like him in there. I feel like he is safe :) But I am sure I will change my tune as time goes on. 
I am getting more pregnant by the minute. It is getting harder to put on my clothes, get my shoes on, I don't walk now....I waddle. People make fun of me when they see me because I used to walk so fast and now I poke along, take my time. When I get there, I get there. No rush! Everything just takes a little longer and requires more effort. I feel pretty ridiculous most of the time. My balance is WAY off.... more than usual if anyone can believe that. How I have manged to get this far without falling flat on my face...or on my big pregnant beyond me. Truly. I am a walking disaster most the time. In my head all I hear is "I am a nightmare walking"....the old school, british hardcore remix...but of course.
With all that being said, I guess pregnancy suits me? Everyone keeps telling me how cute I look. Which normally I would hate, but I really love hearing that right now. Even if they have to say it...that's okay. You can lie to me. I will believe you anyways. I'll take all the compliments anyone and everyone wants to give me. Again, NOT LIKE ME AT ALL. I used to get VERY upset when anyone would tell me anything nice about myself. Take your compliments and shove them up your fake ass. I felt that way mainly because I truly believed there was no way that what they were saying could ever be true. But I don't feel so much disdain for myself these days. I kinda like myself. I think that I am pretty nifty. I am making a freaking human being. That is pretty damn amazing. Uh.Ma.Zing. 
So again I feel like I bounced all over the place, and made less than sense. I sat down with a list of things to write about and wrote about none of them :) I guess it's silly to have notes...and it's more about just writing from my heart. My once little black rotten heart which has softened and become smushy and mushy and gooey with love and junk :)

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Well my friend that I spoke of in my last entry, who has the retro placental hemorrhage, she went to the ER yesterday because the pain was so bad. When she was FINALLY seen, the stupid doctor told her that basically her baby stands a 50/50 chance. What the hell kinda quackery is that? Her friend put it best "a 50/50 chance means the doctor doesn't know what the fuck he is talking about". Agreed. I like that much better than my "miracle babies happen all the time!" Which is true too. But I feel like in times like these you really have to believe that sometimes doctors just make shit up when they don't have a real answer. I feel good knowing that she is at the OB's office right now, seeing my doctor and she has an appointment with my specialist, now her specialist, Dr. Nathan :) She is in GREAT hands! I have just have to hope, pray and believe that her baby is that miracle baby that defies those stupid odds. I know she is scared shitless. I am scared shitless for her. I hope she knows she isn't alone and I am with her every step of the way. If I could take this all away for her, I would do it in a heartbeat. 
My friend, who I will call Snarly, quickly took the role of BFF when I got to Atlanta. We had a lot in common from the beginning. We were engaged to the same guy and went through similar crap with him, we shared similar pasts, we liked the same music...lots of stuff! But it got weirder....I got engaged and married. Soon she did the same. Our husbands names are almost exactly the same. Then I get pregnant and shortly after we announce ours, she confides her little bun in the oven to me! And now we are both going through some heavy stuff with our babies. Its just plain freaking weird. I love all the things that tie us so closely together. I do not love that we are both dealing with pain, fear and uncertainty when it comes to our pregnancies....but I can't think of a better person to go through something like this with, or a better person to have on my side. I have a handful of amazing women in my world. The few that I have here in Georgia are some of the best. I seriously don't know where I would be without these ladies. I would probably feel pretty alone. It is hard to uproot your world, leave your family and friends, and start a new life and feel like you are going through it all by yourself. I mean, I have my husband and he is wonderful and I love him so much. But there is nothing like YOUR family and best girlfriends. I thank my god all the time for the women he has put in my life. That last couple years I have developed some of the most amazing friendships. Friendships I seriously did not know were possible. Healthy friendships....with women! So I am grateful. For all of you!
Love you Snarly. And all you other wonderful women that fill my life up and make me complete <3

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Pregnancy is such a fragile time. One minute everything is fine. You are on top of the world. And then out of the blue your world shifts with scary, uncertain news. I know this feeling all too well. But today I am thinking of one of my very best friends who was just told she has a retroplacental bleed. She is in the beginning of her second trimester and was just put on high risk this morning. I have been praying for her, and her little one non stop. I am SO upset because for one, I know how she feels on some level. Our circumstances are different, but I understand the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty, the helplessness, and the powerlessness she must be feeling. It is such a terrible place to be in your head. They tell you to not stress, don't worry, relax and take care of yourself. We can take care of ourselves to the best of our ability, but how the hell are we to not stress and worry? Impossible. We are women, and we are moms. That is what we do. I feel for her. I feel for her deeply. I am trying my hardest not to let this upset me too much. I don't want to cause any distress to my baby and our situation. But I am having a really hard time with this. And this is just so weird because our lives have run pretty parallel since before we even met. I mean, there are so many strange similarities going on. Bazaar. Being pregnant at the same time really put the cherry on top! It actually brought us back together. We had drifted apart for a short while, and it sucked. I love my friend and I love her little baby. I love being pregnant with her. I do not love that she too is now faced with such an ordeal. I will just keep praying for and her little one. Try to go about my day. It is all I can do.