Holidays are hard! ALL OF THEM! I wasn't expecting to feel so sad on Easter. Generally its just Christmas day and Thanksgiving that really suck. But today Easter was no different. I don't even care about Easter. I'm not religious. But I do care about family. It has been 3 years now that I haven't been able to celebrate a holiday with my family. And its not like all the holidays in the past have been awesome....they haven't been. A lot of them....most of them.... have totally sucked but that was me and my piss poor attitudes fault. There were a couple years when I just didn't even show up...I COULDN'T show up.... because I was struggling to stay alive...wishing I were dead....and totally ashamed of the person I had become. But now that my life is different, and I finally have my family back....I want my holidays with them. I know I have a wonderful new family down here in Georgia. They love me, and I love them. But it is really hard for me to just all of the sudden be like "okay! this is your new family! so time to be totally comfortable with that idea!"...not. that. easy. I just let MY family back in my life. That is STILL a process. It didn't and doesn't happen overnight. And it is much easier for me to accept my new family on non holidays. Holidays are just a painful reminder that I am very, very far away from the people I love the most. So instead of listening to my husband when he says "pull it together and try to make the best of it", I sulk, I bitch, I complain, I cry, and I probably make everyone else as uncomfortable as I feel. I am an asshole. And it actually sounds pretty similar to how I made all the holidays back home. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!
Anyways...I had to get that out. It has been bothering me all day. 
Tomorrow we have another ultrasound to check on Eli's bubblegum. It's been almost 3 weeks since our last appointment. In a weird way I think that today being consumed by how much I hate holidays and miss my family, was a distraction from the fear that has been bubbling beneath the surface for the last couple days. The closer we get to tomorrow, the harder the days have gotten. I am thinking positive, I have high hopes! But I'd be lying to you all if I said I wasn't scared to death. I just hope I can get a good nights sleep and turn off my brain for a few hours. Might be hard since I just chugged a slurpee, major craving....brain freeze much?!