Thursday, April 12, 2012

Holy emotional disaster today. One minute I felt like I was doing perfectly fine, and then all it took was one little thing at work that I happen to VEHEMENTLY disagree with and BAM .....everything after that just brought me to tears. I am a passionate person, when I feel things I think I feel them a lot stronger than most people. I was numb for so long, and did everything in my power to not feel anything at all. So now I am totally vulnerable to all those emotions. I'm RAW. Everything that I suppressed all those years is nipping at my heals, and going forward anything that I remotely happen to disagree with or have an opinion on QUICKLY turns into this big BIG deal. I can really go overboard. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing, to have convictions,stand up for them, stand up for myself, and have a voice. But its how I go about all that, that can REALLY get me in to trouble. And now, being pregnant I am especially emotional and passionate about things that maybe on a non pregnant day I wouldn't get so worked up over. I literally had to say to myself at one point today "do not cry, do not cry, why are you going to cry? this isn't a big deal. you REALLY don't even care...DO NOT CRY" annnnnnnnnnnd I cried :) WHATEVER. I noticed that the person I got upset in front of (my boss!) totally ignored me and didn't engage in it at all. Which I'm not sure if that was on purpose? Because she wasn't even looking at me....Or was it ON purpose to try and diffuse the situation? Either way I was like "I AM TOO EMOTIONAL FOR THIS I'M LEAVING!" and luckily I was off the clock so it all worked out :) But holy hell! Does this get better? Does this get WORSE?! Am I like a prime candidate for postpartum? Am I going to be one of those crazy women that does something horrific to herself or her baby? Is it crazy to even feel that way? Should I not be saying this out loud? Does everyone soon to be mom have these fears? I feel like it can't just be me. I mean, I do have a history of depression and all the junk that goes along with that. But I feel like most of that was drug/alcohol related. Being sober is the best thing for my psyche. Actually, I have tried to take medication and it really just makes me more nuttso. SO. Hopefully I am just worrying about nothing. In fact. Why do I worry about things that haven't even happened. As my mom would say "Why borrow trouble?". So I am going to stop. Stop stressing about things I really have no control over and haven't even happened. 
Have I mentioned I weigh 141 lbs!!! That means I have gained 23 lbs. I'm not as freaked out about it as I think the old Sara would be. I mean, again, there is nothing I can do about it but continue to exercise like I have been and eat as well as a pregnant lady that loves peanut butter and jelly can :) I don't feel like I LOOK 141 lbs. I really don't! I feel like I am carrying my weight well, and I am confident that I will whip myself back into shape pretty quickly. Actually, people keep telling me I will have no problem because of how I have gained my weight so even though its just their opinions (and they really don't know what they are talking about :) I am choosing to believe them :) A friend of mine who I have worked with now for a couple years told me he was proud of me for gaining the weight and he didn't think I had it in me. So, its a totally bazaar concept but I am actually proud of myself too. And I'm proud of myself for taking it all in stride. I'm kinda amazed at myself, actually. And I apologize if I bring up weight and food and body image issues frequently. My life has pretty much revolved around being skinny ever since I was a very little girl so it is hard to break old habits. I tortured myself most my life, and I'm pretty damaged from it. I know it is hard for a lot of people to understand. Gaining this weight breeds my insecurities. And actually focusing on the weight takes my mind of the bubblegum a little. It is definitely a strange distraction. I just really hope that I don't let the weight, and losing the weight, consume me once Eli is born. I'm already plotting my diet and exercise routine! We shall see!

1 comment:

  1. tried commenting on this last night. wouldn't work from my iphone. grr. attempt #2.

    my first pregnancy i had zero issues with emotions, this one is OH SO DIFFERENT. i've had many moments where I feel like ppl are attacking me or not standing by me. It's the oddest thing ever. I get crazy psycho and cry like I'm all alone in this world. Everything is so sensitive to me & I'm taking too much ownership of everything. My hubby said one day I was being weird. OH BOY did I blow up on him. Insensitive much? So girl, I get it!

    And I'm proud of you being OK with weight gain. I've only gained 2lbs so far which is right on target - I have enough to lose and as long as my baby is developing properly, I'd rather not gain SHIT. First pregnancy I gained 18lbs total - my son was 10lbs 6oz, they say afterbirth weighs 9lbs, so when I left the hospital after my c-section - I was in the POSITIVE! I'm aiming for the same this time. Fingers crossed!

    You're doing great mama and I know this blog is major therapeutic for you. Your peanut is majorly handsome! So at my 20wk ultrasound, damn techs estimated my due date to be 8/12 instead of 8/21. That's what it should have been ALL ALONG. Damn doc changed my due date at my first appt even though it didn't match up w/conception date but my peanut was measuring small then. So, she's a late bloomer I guess. Now they won't change my due date back. GRR It just means my daughter will be huge like his brother. She's already a pound - 90th percentile. Where's Eli at now?