Monday, July 9, 2012

Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks pregnant and only 35 days from my due date! I just cannot believe it. Its all happening so fast now! Eli dropped today while I was at work! Out of no where I just felt this intense pressure in my pelvic area. It hurt pretty bad, took my breath away and pretty much scared the crap out of me. I thought he was going to fall out of me! Like he was crowning! I started googling preterm labor I was so scared. But I pulled in the reigns and hopped off that freak out as soon as I got on :) Rational Sara kicked in and baby dropping seemed much more reasonable than preterm labor. Haha.
Work has been SO hard the last month or so. I'm carrying what has to be at least an extra 35-40 lbs on my small frame - I stopped counting. Numbers are just that, numbers. No need in getting worked up over numbers at this point. So all the extra weight bearing down on me, my hips, my knees, my ankles, and being on my feet all day at work, well, its pretty damn uncomfortable and challenging to say the least. I take more breaks to sit down and cry, than I do anything else. I'm kinda useless at this point. Every day is hard but today was by far the worst day. With him dropping and putting all that pressure on my pelvic area, my inner thighs (which are already going all loosey goosey in preparation for birth) went totally out of control! I couldn't walk, I couldn't stand, everything would just give out on me and send a fire throughout that entire area. I thought I was waddling before......NEUUP! I am officially the most waddling pregnant person to have ever waddled the earth. At least that is how it feels. I made the decision last week to not be a hero, and hang up my superwoman cape. All along I have just thought I would work till I went into labor. NOT HAPPENING. My body won't allow it. So July 29th is my last day! I will take a week of vacation and then start maternity leave. Hopefully Eli cooperates and I can get some rest, relaxation, and properly nest. Not panic nesting like I recently started doing. That is not going to work :) Panic is not what I need to be feeling right now. I know that if Eli were to come tomorrow, it would all be ok and we have everything that we need for his arrival. But I still want him to cook as long as possible and give mommy and daddy time to get as much done as possible. 
Our little man will be here very soon! We have a regular OB appointment next week and then we start our weekly visits. I never thought THAT would happen but here we are! We have one last sonogram August 1st to monitor the bubblegum, which is still stable and shouldn't be a problem during birth. Woohoo! The anticipation is almost too much sometimes. I'm stuck between totally ready and totally unprepared and not even close to being ready for everything that having a baby entails. I'm pretty sure thats normal :) It doesn't really matter because he is on his way! I have a baby head pressing down on my bladder and pelvis as a constant reminder of that :)

Friday, June 22, 2012

So its been a while since my last entry. I haven't been feeling it. I didn't really have much to say, nothing relevant. There were no real updates on Eli's bubblegum, all that I could seem to do was complain about how fat I felt, how much I hate my job, how sick I was of being sick....I was really caught up in being miserable and I didn't feel like subjecting everyone to that. That is what facebook is for. Ha. But we now have some news, and I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally so I want to share some of the information. 
We had the fetal MRI yesterday and the diagnosis was not a home run at first. We were told that it was looking like an arachnoid cyst but because of its size and location it was unusual and the imaging needed to be sent off for a second opinion. Well we got the results today. It is indeed an arachnoid cyst located on his cerebellum. The cerebellum has two hemisphere's. Because of where the cyst is, one hemisphere is smaller than its counterpart. It also appears his vermis is somewhat underdeveloped. What this means is Eli could (or could not) have some developmental issues. But we don't know much more because there isn't a lot of research out there. Hardly any, actually. So where do we go from here? We have another sonogram July 3rd where we will most likely set up our neurosurgeon appointment. Eli will need another MRI once he is born and will undergo chromosomal testing. Not because they think there are abnormalities within his chromosomes, but because they don't know....there isn't a lot of information out there and these tests are as best a place to start as any. 
There is more to the story but I wanted to keep it short and sweet and not put the cart before the horse and freak anyone, including myself, out. Basically this is a waiting game. Which we have been playing for a few months now, so we are pro's at this. When we meet with Dr. Nathan and the neurosurgeon we will know a lot more regarding what we could be up against developmentally. 
So for now we just continue to think positively, keep our heads up, stay strong and pray pray PRAY! Its all we can do! Today I have peace and acceptance. It's not to say I won't have my bad days. I will. And when I do, I will deserve them. But for now I am just focusing on a healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy that I am BLESSED to call my son. 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

SO FREAKING EMOTIONAL THIS WEEK. Barely keeping it together these days. I'm not even sure what is wrong. Nothing is "wrong" but there is so much stuff to deal with, I'm having a hard time managing. I'm getting more and more pregnant by the second it feels like. My body is not my own. It has been hijacked! I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable. I'm SO CRANKY, grumpy, angry, pissed off, hateful, miiisssserable A LOT of the time. I have to smile and put on a brave face when I'm at work...and at work is when I feel most of those feelings, so by the end of the day I'm exhausted from just trying to not have a total meltdown. Not to mention I am on my feet for 8 hours working a very labor intensive job. I may not be lifting heavy boxes but I'm still moving them around, unpacking, walking all over the place, taring down displays, building new is an awful lot for a pregnant person. And this week was particularly excruciating. 6 hours on my feet at a holiday show, dragging heavy bags of products and catalogs around, having to smile and pretend like I care. We were short staffed due to vendor fairs and training's all week, so we had just 2 people all week and Thursday I was on the floor by myself for 8 1/2 hours. I still don't even know how that is right or acceptable. Why I, the pregnant person, was chosen to work all by themselves all day instead of being chosen to go to the buyer training where I could sit and learn more about being a buyer....because that is my buy...and I am constantly complaining about how I don't know enough of the science behind my job, and can I please get more training. tell me how that makes sense. And did I mention that someone at work actually had the nerve to tell me that "pregnancy is a condition not a disease". He told me this as i'm doubled over in pain with tears in my eyes because my hip had just gone all wet noodle as I was walking (the joys of the second trimester, your joints get all loosey goosey). I don't even know what that MEANS, first of all. And secondly, go to hell dude. I know you are trying to be funny, but its not. I would like to see you walk around all day, do your job and grow a FREAKING HUMAN BEING inside of you at the same damn time. It's pretty much the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm still not sure how I am managing to get through my days. My back is totally jacked up, I can't sleep, my emotions are all over the place, I feel sick in my own skin because of the weight I am gaining.....I have never in my life been more uncomfortable, EVER. And yes, I know it is all worth it. And I know the baby weight will go away. I know that I have gained less weight than a lot of women, and am still smaller than a lot of people when they AREN'T pregnant. But I gotta be honest. That stuff doesn't always make me feel better. I walk around thinking everyone is judging me, thinking to themselves that I have gained too much weight and I should look different and look better. Rationally I know that is not the case, but I walk around thinking those things about myself so clearly everyone else must feel that way too. I"m judging myself. Per the usual. I mean, I have struggled with eating disorders most my life so I'm not sure if I am supposed to be handling this any differently. And the 8 month pregnant chick at Target with stick thin arms and the stick thin legs, holding up her teensy tiny lacy bras while i'm contemplating buying all sports bras because I can't find a freaking bra that is the least bit comfortable on my big ass boobs and back fat rolls....that bitch can suck it. And I even smiled at her (while I was stabbing her in my mind), thinking we shared some commonality and she did NOT smile back. So I don't feel bad about calling her a bitch. At. ALL.
Do I feel better after this rant? No. Not really. I pretty much feel the same.
But I am hanging on for dear life, white knuckling it all the way till the end. Keeping it together as best as I possibly can. I have a ways to go. Can't fall apart yet. August 14th isn't exactly right around the corner. Its about to get a lot hotter, and I know its only going to get worse as I head into the 3rd trimester. Even though I feel the way I feel, I just stay grateful that aside from the bubblegum, it appears I have a very active, healthy baby boy growing inside me. I continue to pray that Eli is growing healthy and strong, and the bubblegum will not impact him mentally or physically. I can't wait to see his little face, and hold him in my arms :)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Today is my 1 year wedding anniversary. I wish I were able to have been in a better mood tonight. But I have been kinda a disaster since I got home from work. I didn't sleep at all last night. I worked all day. I wanted to cry and punch people the whole time. But I kept on smiling! The second I got in the car all the smiles and fake happy crap disappeared and I was swept away in all the feelings I had pushed away the last 8 hours. Exhausted, aches and pains, emotional, fat, gross, and totally uncomfortable in my skin. But I still didn't cry. I just got really angry. The last thing I felt like doing was going out to eat for our anniversary. So when I got home that is what I told my husband. And being the sweet man he is, he said "That's fine babe, come on in". And then I saw the roses, the card, and the balloon waiting for me which made me feel like a total asshole because I had NOTHING. I didn't even have a card! What is WRONG with me! It didn't even occur to me to get a card. I'm a jerk. I hate myself. So I walked straight passed allllll the sweet stuff my husband got me, went right to the bathroom and cried like a big fat baby. I walked out to the living room, still crying and he held me while I continued my meltdown. I said I didn't know why I was crying....which I didn't, but I did. If that makes sense? I apologized for not having a card. I felt, I FEEL really bad. I still can't believe I didn't get a card. I LOVE giving cards. Sigh. Anyways, Terry is a champ and has gotten handling these "moments" down to a science. He told me to get myself together and hang out with my cat. BRILLIANT. Newo always makes everything better. So I grabbed my fat cat, and changed into leggings and a big comfy maternity shirt and calmed the hell down. We managed to go to Outback for dinner. I TRIED not to be a debbie downer. But I was still feeling so upset. I am SO uncomfortable with my body right now. I'm fat. Which is crazy to say, since I'm pregnant. But I feel FAT! I feel my fat arms sticking to my sides, my fat legs rub together and leave a rash, I have fat rolls on my back sticking out from my bra.....I got a lot of extra stuff that I'm just NOT used to and some days it gets to me worse than others. Today is just one of those days. My sweet husband tells me I'm beautiful, and that he loves me. And I believe him. But I still feel the way I feel. I'm even kinda planning my weight loss after Eli comes. Low Carb diet, or Engine 2? Will I even have the energy to exercise? I hear breast feeding really melts the pounds away! But what if I can't?! Again....borrowing trouble. Worrying over things that haven't happened yet. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with my weight! Old habits die hard. I'm pretty sure I don't look as atrocious as I think I do. My transformer name is AtrociousCon. Body Dysmorphia is a bitch. 
Annnyyyyhhooooo. I have been rambling, again. What was I talking about? Dinner! So yea, we ate dinner. And we left. And it wasn't terrible. I had a shrimp ceaser salad. Like I always do at Outback. I really went just because I knew Terry wanted to go. How selfless of me ;) Now I'm in bed. Exactly where I have wanted to be all day. Hopefully I didn't ruin our anniversary. I don't think I did? I am a ruiner of important things. Basically anything where the focus and attention is all on me. Holy shit. How I managed to get through the wedding last year is still a mystery. I was terrified I was going to ruin the whole day. In fact I was CONVINCED that I would. I mean, my mom DID cancel Christmas one year because of me. She got over it, and we have Christmas now. But she told me she would never put a tree up, would never celebrate Christmas because I RUINED IT! Which I did. It was a bad year. I never want to make anyone cancel any special day again! Oh, and FYI I did NOT ruin the wedding :) Or the rehearsal. Although it was a little touch and go that day. I was kinda a nightmare. Shocker. 
So in conclusion this day is over and I hope tomorrow is better. I am going to hang out in bed, with Newo and Eli....he is having a dance party in my belly right now. Have I mentioned I can actually SEE the movement?! Too cool! 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Holy HELL. That's all I can say about today. I woke up around 6 am for work and aside from being super tired from not sleeping very well, I was feeling pretty good. I got to work and ate a bagel and cream cheese. My ritual. Then I went to the bathroom, I always have to pee, and out of no where I felt a dull ache in my lower right side. My first thought was round ligament pains so I went back to the break room and put my feet up because that normally helps. WELL IT DID NOT. So of course I google "second trimester belly pains" and a whole host of things came up. I thought maybe I was dehydrated and I was having braxton hicks contractions so I got up and drank a few glasses of water, holding my belly the whole time. The pain just got worse and I guess I started to cry without really knowing it. One of the meat team members, her name is Glenda (the good witch), saw that I was in pain and immediately rushed in to see what was wrong. She sat me down, asked how far along I was, felt my belly, said it wasn't contractions because my stomach wasn't hard. Ok, good. SO WHAT IS WRONG. She asked if I had gone to the bathroom lately (poop), I had. She asked if my pants are too tight, they are not. She asked if I had my appendix and I do. Maybe its my appendix? It hurt to touch, hurt to breathe, hurt to stand up, it hurt to do anything. So I was really freaking out. The entire time I could feel Eli moving around in my belly so I stopped panicking about him. I was pretty sure it wasn't baby related. Pretty soon there were 3 more team members around me. Do we call an ambulance? Do we wait? I called Terry and tell him what was going on. We decided he would come get me and we would go to the ER. Then I called my mom and she said it sounded like my appendix which my response to that was "are you KIDDING?! GREAT". Instead of her panicking too she told me to call my doctor right away so I immediately did just that. I got the on call staff and they told me the doctor would return my call right away. Which she did. I told her what was going on and she said it sounded like really bad round ligament pain, and not appendicitis because I wasn't having any other symptoms. She told me to go home, get in bed, take extra strength tylenol and get cozy with a heating pad. I thought that was really dismissive of her because clearly my appendix was rupturing and I was going to die at any second. But I decided to take her advice. If per chance I wasn't dying, that would be a serious waste of time and money spent on a useless ER visit. So I took her advice. Terry came and got me and we went home. Every bump and turn was excruciating. I hobbled in the house, parked my big butt in bed, took tylenol and wrapped up with a heating pad. Eventually the pain subsided. Not completely. Its been lingering all day. Sometimes it feels like Chucky from Childs Play is stabbing me in my side. Chucky like stab stab. 
I DO feel much better. I AM NOT DYING. So that is awesome. I also feel like an asshole for leaving work and making someone come in early to cover for me. I have been SO high maintenance lately. Starting back in October. I have been a disaster since I got bronchitis, then broke the rib, then got knocked up and crippled with morning sickness and migraines, then bronchitis AGAIN, then the bubblegum, and now fake appendicitis! I'm shocked I even have a job. I know I am dramatic and all but I swear I am not normally so fragile. I generally will work through anything and everything. I work through migraines, I I worked for a week with a freaking broken rib and didn't know it. I didn't call out once for the morning sickness, I just suffered! My work ethic can do you say....not healthy? But I can't stand to let people down. And honestly no one does my job as well as I do :) But since last winter when I got really REALLY sick and couldn't get better, I realized that I have been pushing myself too hard. I am convinced that is why I got sick in the first place. So now, when I get sick...I stay home. For one, I don't want to infect other people and two, I want to get better. I don't want to push myself and end up sicker. Which is my fate. Especially now that I am pregnant and its not just about me anymore. So today, when I was told to go home and take it easy ...that is what I did. And I thought about going back. I asked my husband to take me back to work. And he would not :) 
So in conclusion! Round ligament pains SUCK and I will be bringing a heating pad to work with me from now on! 


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Holy emotional disaster today. One minute I felt like I was doing perfectly fine, and then all it took was one little thing at work that I happen to VEHEMENTLY disagree with and BAM .....everything after that just brought me to tears. I am a passionate person, when I feel things I think I feel them a lot stronger than most people. I was numb for so long, and did everything in my power to not feel anything at all. So now I am totally vulnerable to all those emotions. I'm RAW. Everything that I suppressed all those years is nipping at my heals, and going forward anything that I remotely happen to disagree with or have an opinion on QUICKLY turns into this big BIG deal. I can really go overboard. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing, to have convictions,stand up for them, stand up for myself, and have a voice. But its how I go about all that, that can REALLY get me in to trouble. And now, being pregnant I am especially emotional and passionate about things that maybe on a non pregnant day I wouldn't get so worked up over. I literally had to say to myself at one point today "do not cry, do not cry, why are you going to cry? this isn't a big deal. you REALLY don't even care...DO NOT CRY" annnnnnnnnnnd I cried :) WHATEVER. I noticed that the person I got upset in front of (my boss!) totally ignored me and didn't engage in it at all. Which I'm not sure if that was on purpose? Because she wasn't even looking at me....Or was it ON purpose to try and diffuse the situation? Either way I was like "I AM TOO EMOTIONAL FOR THIS I'M LEAVING!" and luckily I was off the clock so it all worked out :) But holy hell! Does this get better? Does this get WORSE?! Am I like a prime candidate for postpartum? Am I going to be one of those crazy women that does something horrific to herself or her baby? Is it crazy to even feel that way? Should I not be saying this out loud? Does everyone soon to be mom have these fears? I feel like it can't just be me. I mean, I do have a history of depression and all the junk that goes along with that. But I feel like most of that was drug/alcohol related. Being sober is the best thing for my psyche. Actually, I have tried to take medication and it really just makes me more nuttso. SO. Hopefully I am just worrying about nothing. In fact. Why do I worry about things that haven't even happened. As my mom would say "Why borrow trouble?". So I am going to stop. Stop stressing about things I really have no control over and haven't even happened. 
Have I mentioned I weigh 141 lbs!!! That means I have gained 23 lbs. I'm not as freaked out about it as I think the old Sara would be. I mean, again, there is nothing I can do about it but continue to exercise like I have been and eat as well as a pregnant lady that loves peanut butter and jelly can :) I don't feel like I LOOK 141 lbs. I really don't! I feel like I am carrying my weight well, and I am confident that I will whip myself back into shape pretty quickly. Actually, people keep telling me I will have no problem because of how I have gained my weight so even though its just their opinions (and they really don't know what they are talking about :) I am choosing to believe them :) A friend of mine who I have worked with now for a couple years told me he was proud of me for gaining the weight and he didn't think I had it in me. So, its a totally bazaar concept but I am actually proud of myself too. And I'm proud of myself for taking it all in stride. I'm kinda amazed at myself, actually. And I apologize if I bring up weight and food and body image issues frequently. My life has pretty much revolved around being skinny ever since I was a very little girl so it is hard to break old habits. I tortured myself most my life, and I'm pretty damaged from it. I know it is hard for a lot of people to understand. Gaining this weight breeds my insecurities. And actually focusing on the weight takes my mind of the bubblegum a little. It is definitely a strange distraction. I just really hope that I don't let the weight, and losing the weight, consume me once Eli is born. I'm already plotting my diet and exercise routine! We shall see!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

So our last ultrasound with Dr.Nathan went pretty well. The bubblegum is still there but the only changes he saw were marginal and not concerning. Eli is growing right on target....maybe even a wee bit ahead of schedule?! I KNEW I was cooking a big fat baby :) He moves ALL the time which is another GREAT sign. His heartbeat is STRONG! The original concerns are still the same. What the hell IS it? And what if any impact will it have on the brain? Dr. Nathan sent the disc of the ultrasound off to a team of radiologists to get their opinion. There are some theories....but nothing concrete. They too are kinda stumped and don't know what they are looking at. An MRI would definitely provide more insight but we won't be doing that until the 3rd trimester. Eli is still so small, we need to wait till he is a little bigger to get the best picture. SO until then we just monitor the bubblegum. We have another appointment in a month back at Northside with Dr. Nathan and Dr. Stone..aka Dr. Smarty Pants Head of All Cranial Baby Scans Man. That is his new name :) After that Dr.Nathan will set us up the the neurosurgeon. Dr.Nathan offered us a second, 3rd opinion. He said if at any moment we felt compelled to see other specialists, he would "IN A HEARTBEAT" set that up. In the south, or anywhere else in the country. He would make it happen. Which was wonderful to hear. But Terry and I have done some research, we have gotten a lot of personal positive feedback regarding Dr. Nathan and his team, and we feel extremely secure and confident that they are doing everything in their power to give us answers. I'm not really sure anyone else could tell us anything different. And for now, everything is looking perfect...minus this pesky piece of bubblegum :) We are just thinking positive, hoping and praying that no matter what our little man is going to be a healthy and happy baby boy <3