Saturday, March 31, 2012

One of the joy's of pregnancy for me is the ability to actually take a nap. Last night I fell asleep around 6 pm and woke up around 8pm. It was glorious. I was totally confused and stupid when I awoke. Two signs of an awesome nap. What is NOT so awesome is napping so late in the day and then tossing and turning the entire night because you are no where NEAR tired. Along with late naps, I also don't recommend watching a Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon because during the little sleep I DID get, I was a fugitive on the run....and Leland was not chasing me so really what is the point of allllll that? Not to mention, my cat Oliver was being extra shit heady from about 5 am till when he forced me to wake up at 8. SOOOOO I am feeling pretty moody today. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Oh and did I mention I didn't win the Mega Millions so now I have to go back to work on Sunday? What kinda shit is that?! Okay, rant OVER. 

I mentioned a couple days ago how I felt Eli move for the first time :) Well the last couple days were pretty uneventful. And if you know me AT ALL I went on a total freak out and googled the hell out of "baby movement 2nd trimester". I learned what I already knew....if you are super busy when your baby is active then you probably won't notice the movement. Also, baby sleeps...just like us. So not to worry, Sara. Yea right. Last night I was determined to make Eli move so I placed Terry's headphones to my belly and blasted some Coheed. It worked! Terry said "maybe he doesn't like Coheed" but CLEARLY that entire statement is all sorts of wrong and was quickly shut down. Really? REALLY? How DARE he! Baby hearts Coheed and Cambria!!!

Another thing I wanted to mention is how HUGE i'm getting. It is happening so fast!!! And the stranger part of this is that I'm actually ALMOST okay with the weight gain. Even though it would appear my arms are pregnant with little fat babies growing in them. And for the first time in probably NEVER my legs touch. Meaty thighs! I had hoped some of the chunk would go to my butt, BUT nope. Still flat with a crack. No fairs. 
I know it sounds like I'm not okay with all the changes, but I pretty much am. I was terrified of getting pregnant for a very long time because of the weight gain. I even convinced myself that I would never have a baby just because I didn't want my body to go to shit. Then 28 rolled around, that clock started ticking VERY LOUDLY and I went totally goo goo ga ga baby crazy. Working at Whole Foods, constantly being surrounded by a sea of baby cuteness did not help. And of course after I was married, having a baby was ALL I could think about. But the weight gain still freaked me out. Having struggled with eating disorders since I was a little girl, I had every reason to be terrified of getting fat. But now I don't look at it like i'm "getting fat". I'm growing a freaking human being! And he needs me to feed myself and feed him. So that is what I am doing. Boy is Eli hungry :) 
So now I have a protective layer of chunk that I'm storing for when I nurse. I finally have energy again so I make a point to go on walks everyday I can. I try to make healthy choices, but sometimes a girl needs pizza and a milkshake! Fried pickles for breakfast? SURE! I'm doing the best I can, and I know this. I refuse to beat myself up,and give myself a hard time for gaining weight and indulging here and there. I have spent my entire life doing JUST THAT. I have always unhappy with the way I look. I have been my own worst enemy and treated my body terribly. I have tortured myself long enough. And for the greater good, I'm not doing that ANYMORE. For the first time in my life I am REALLY taking care of myself. And for now I take GREAT comfort in the fact that I am still wearing smalls. Even if they are maternity smalls :)  

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Do me a favor....everyone PLEASE stop telling me how "they told me my child was gonna have this and he is fine!" or "ultrasounds are so sensitive they pick up everything and half the time its nothing!". Stop with alllllllll of that. JUST PLEASE STOP. I appreciate it. I really do. And it was comforting for a while. But its done making me feel better. I don't know why these stories are making me so angry. But they do. I already know all these things...I know doctors are wrong, and they make mistakes, and babies show markers for this and that and are born healthy ALL the time. I know this.....because it keeps getting drilled into my head. For me I have to be realistic. I BELIEVE that its all going to work out and Eli will be just fine. But do I believe that this is just a shadow, or that this is really nothing? No, I don't believe that. Maybe I am wrong. But right now I believe my doctors. I trust that they see what they see....especially since the feedback I have gotten on all my doctors thus far is AMAZING. If I just go about my life thinking that everything is totally fine, and walk around in this protective bubble, shrouded in a false sense of security and let all these wonderful stories about how everyone's babies were doomed from an ultrasound and then miraculously born perfect,....well what happens if there IS something to worry about? I am sorry I don't live my life like that. I worry. Its just who I am. I'm pretty sure most women do. And I have to be prepared on some level for SOMETHING. I know everyone is just trying to help. And I feel like an asshole for feeling the way that I feel. I feel even more terrible that my angel of a mother is the person that I just took my bottled up frustration out on. She was only trying to help and make me feel better. And instead of just indulging her like I should have I totally snapped. I'm pretty sure she cried when we got off the phone. I know I did. The last person I want to upset is my mom. Dammit. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I JUST FELT MY BABY MOVE!!!!! I have been WAITING for this moment! This is what happened - 
I woke this morning feeling like shit on a stick. The room was spinning. I haven't woken up and felt like that in a few weeks. I drank a little OJ and ate a banana and laid back down. BAD MOVE. Heartburn city and it was all I could do to keep the banana down. As I was lying there feeling like I was right back in my 1st trimester, I tried to remind myself that feeling sick is the sign of a healthy pregnancy. Then I got to thinking....hey, why haven't i felt Eli move yet? I know it happens between 16 and 22 weeks. Clearly this is cause for concern, no? NO SARA IT IS NOT. Before I completely jumped off the cliff into a total freak out I remembered something I had read a couple days ago. If you lay quiet and still you might be able to feel your baby move. So that is what I did. It didn't take too long before I felt the beginnings of a fart...then more farts...but I never actually farted. Could my baby moving feel like a fart? If you have ever been pregnant, or are pregnant (or are a Tobin) you know that gas is something you experience regularly. It is my stinky sidekick. It is what it is. So clearly this is just gas and any minute I am going to cut the cheese. BUT I DIDN'T!! Then those farts I felt actually felt more like little punches and kicks! He is dancing!!! AMAZING! I think what I thought were farts last night were little baby dance moves TOO! I started to cry happy tears! Surely my little baby Eli is doing just fine in there if he is busting out the dance moves! I texted my husband and DC bff Buhnessa to share the news (again, I have changed her name to protect anonymity) I took a shower..still smiling! And what do you know, I feel a little better! Not as pukey, not as miserable. Hopefully I can have a good day at work now. THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!!! I love my little baby break dancing in my belly :) he is cuttin a rug...schoolin out on that little baby dance floor. Just like his mommy used to do :) 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

REALLY feeling the aches and pains of pregnancy today. I work at a grocery store ( you all know the one ) and I stand on my feet all day at work. Its getting to be excruciating. My feet hurt worse than I could ever imagine, the round ligament pains can be crippling at times and my old foe sciatica has reared its ugly head once again....I thought I got rid of you years ago, man?! I know that this comes with the territory but that doesn't make it any easier. Especially since my job is so physically demanding. Even though I'm not lifting heavy like I used to, I am still on my feet walking around all day, building displays, putting out product, helping customers. If I wasn't burnt out before....I AM NOW. Lately all I feel like I do is complain about EVERYTHING. It has GOT to be annoying to those around me. Everyone hears it. If i could show you my test conversations with some of my best friends you would be like "wow Sara STFU already!". But two people in particular get it the husband (its his JOB to listen) and my bff who we will call Misa (to protect her anonymity, of course) who used to actually be my "boss" (she hates that) and turned out to be one of my bestest friends ever. She probably gets it worse than anyone. As I type this, I am also complaining to her via facebook messaging :) I wish I wasn't so complainy. I wish I had all types of awesome stuff to say to people. But I just don't. I am unhappy at work. I'm exhausted and in pain. My body has been hijacked by a little monster who is sucking the life force out of me more and more everyday. And there might be something wrong with him, and no one can tell me what it is. Don't get me wrong....this is ALL worth it. ALL OF IT. Every ache, every pain, every worry and every fear. Everything I am going through and WILL go through, its all worth it. 
I'm sorry for the rant and if I bounced all over the place, made no sense. I'm pooped. It's been a very long and painful day. I hope I can get some good rest so I can do it ALLLL over again tomorrow :)  

Monday, March 26, 2012

Do you ever wake up and just KNOW your day is going to suck? And there is nothing you can do about it? Today was one of those days. I woke up exhausted, and I couldn't shake that feeling of sadness. I spent the first couple hours of work running from the floor to the bathroom to cry....I felt silly and I know everyone was staring at me. But I really didn't care. Work is the LAST place I want to be right now. I'm pretty sure that is apparent to everyone around me. I am SO sick of everyone telling me "work will be such a good distraction for you" because guess what? IT IS NOT. When I am at work, I'm stressed out! Super stressed out! And everyone around me is stressed out too! Not to mention I am hyper sensitive and I feel like everyone is picking on me. The whole time at work I am thinking....there has got to be something more I can be doing for myself and my baby than being totally stressed out. I should be on walks with the dog, and snuggling my cats, sitting in the sun and reading a book. I should be doing things to keep me calm and relaxed, not jack up my blood pressure. But I don't have a choice. And that sucks. I HAVE to work. Ugh. 
So I spent most of my day in a total funk. Praying, crying, working, praying, asking for strength to get through the day. I created some projects to keep me busy and focused on something other than my shit attitude and how miserable I was. I really just kept my head down and charged through the day. The light at the end of the tunnel was a long walk with my sweet husband and even sweeter dog, Sienna. So by 7 pm I was in a bit better spirits. I couldn't WAIT to get home and go on my walk! And it was everything I hoped it would be. We saw cows, horses, happy people walking their dogs, kids throwing a softball back and forth, soccer practice. All these little things I took so much comfort in tonight. I think I smiled the entire time :) How crazy that we can be so depressed and down most the day, and all it takes is some quality time with the ones we love to make it all better. We came home and cooked dinner in our little kitchen, and ate at our new kitchen table. I felt "family" all around me. Even though it was just myself, Terry, the cats the dog and my little man hanging out int my belly. There was a warmth that I didn't feel all day. But man was I feeling it then. I still feel it as I write this. It is the simple things that I take pleasure in these days. I'm so grateful for the life I have. There was a time I had nothing and no one and didn't know if I was going to live another day. I went through HELL, and it was worth it because look at me now. So there MUST be a reason for the bubblegum journey. There is a lesson in all this, there is strength to be gained, there is so much love to be given....and the best part of this journey is the beautiful baby boy named Eli that will soon be in my arms :) Holy shit I am gonna be a mom! <3

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Last night I fell asleep during my bubblegum prayers. Every time I woke up (which is often) I would pick up where I left off...."please god, protect my baby as he grows inside my belly. Let him grow healthy and strong. Let every fiber of his being....from the top of his tiny head to the tip of his little toes, let every inch of Eli be perfect and healthy." The prayers are pretty much on repeat day and night. 
Today I feel weird. I woke up happy to have a visit from one of my best friends and her son. A welcome distraction. We had a good time :) A great time :) But Eli is always in my head and pulling at my heart. I had to dig deep. Put on my game face. I wanted to be in good spirits for my friend, and enjoy her company (which I did and I always do!) but part of me just wanted to lay in bed all day. I feel sick. I'm tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally......I'm drained. All week I have felt so many feelings. I've been up and I've been way down. Today I am just void of emotion. And i'm okay with that. 

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I've decided to start a blog to keep everyone updated on our little Eli and his bubblegum journey. A lot of you already may know but for those that don't, here is a recap of this week 3/19/2012 thus far:
We went in on Monday for our anatomy scan and found out we are having a boy! Much to my surprise! I thought for SURE I had a little girl growing inside my belly. NOPE! It's a boy! Okay....a boy. Alright! We are having a boy :) And his name is Eli Patrick :) Our excitement and joy was quickly overshadowed by some other less awesome news. It appeared the Eli had a spot on his cerebellum, and Dr. Nathan was concerned it could be Dandy Walker Syndrome. This syndrome effects the developmental part of the brain and comes with a spectrum of problems. Varying from no symptoms at all to totally debilitating. Dr. Nathan advised us not to do any research on our own, he made sure we knew that this was just a possibility and not for certain. I asked him if this was something I had done? Had I done this to my child? And the answer was "Absolutely not. If this is Dandy Walker this is simply a case of bad, bad luck". I guess that made me feel better? I just wanted answers. WE wanted answers. So to gain more insight into what Dr.Nathan was seeing he wanted us to schedule another ultrasound on Wednesday morning at Northside so his partner could take a look. My heart was broken. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. 
The next day and a half were torture. We kept busy with situating the new house, running errands, trying to work....which i failed at miserably, going on walks, and a lot of facebooking! We received so much support, thoughts, love, prayers, healthy vibes and inspiration through facebook and that has been truly amazing. 
Anyways....Wednesday morning came and we were on pins and needles. The past day and a half I tried to remain positive but wanted to be prepared for the worst. It is a terrible space to be in. I felt like I was in limbo, and the only thing to be was crying or numb. So when the day finally came I just shut down, had prayers on repeat and kept my hands on my belly sending healthy loving thoughts and vibes to Eli. 
We were called back and placed in a FREEZING room. It felt so clinical and made me so nervous. But the staff was amazing and made me as comfortable as possible. Dr. Nathan came in with the other doctor who I can't remember his name. This doctor is THE radiologist at Northside and head of all cranial scans of babies at the Womens Center. So, I felt like I was in amazing hands. They started the ultrasound and everything else looked perfect except the area of the brain in question. But today Eli was in a different position which gave them a totally different view. Laying there I tried to make sense of what I was seeing, which only freaked me out because everything looks weird. I told myself "YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR! SO STOP IT!" and I did. I just watched and listened to the two doctors conversation. The minute I heard "this is not typical of Dandy Walker" the tears started. I felt Terry's hand in mine, looked back at him and we smiled. A sense of relief washed over me and a calmness surrounded my heart. I just had a feeling that whatever this is, we can get through it. And my baby is going to be okay in the end.
So, what they saw was not Dandy Walker. It appeared to be a cyst. Not on the brain. But somewhere in between the brain and skull, just below the cerebellum. The cyst is a typical meaning its not common. In fact, Dr. Nathan is totally unsure what kind of cyst this is. It truly is not something they have ever really seen. And the next step for us is an MRI of Eli in utero. Then we will see a neurosurgeon to discuss all the possibilities....Eli may need surgery after he is born to drain the cyst or remove it completely. This cyst may go away. It may grow and put pressure on the brain. We just don't know. We don't know anything. Fear of the unknown is the hardest and most terrifying part. If Dr. Nathan said "Well we think it's this, and be prepared for this, this and this" then at least I would have some information. But they can't tell me anything, I can't prepare for what we don't have answers to. It is absolutely terrifying. I can't describe how powerless I feel knowing my little boy is growing inside me, there is something wrong, they don't know what it is....and there is nothing I can do but wait. 
We got home and I renamed the cyst bubblegum. It sounds so much nicer. Eli has a piece of bubblegum in his head, by his brain. That is why they tell you "don't swallow your gum!" It could get stuck in your babies head! If anyone knows me AT ALL, you know I use humor to get through all my shit. So that is what I have decided to do. Make this about a funny piece of bubblegum. Hence, the bubblegum journey of Eli :) 
ANYWAYS!!! (jeez i start and i just can't stop!!!)
All of this was sinking in and I felt okay, or thought I felt okay. Then my regular OB, Dr. Kelley, called me to check in. He and Dr. Nathan had been playing phone tag the last couple days and he JUST found out about our situation. He assured me we were in the best hands possible, told me to "buckle in girl, you are about to be on a roller coaster". Dr. Kelley is a very animated man and even though I knew all the things he was telling me, the bewilderment in his voice was scary. I asked him to help me make sense of this, and he couldn't because "Sara, I don't think they even know what they are dealing with. They just don't know." I told him about the cysts I had heard about that come and go on little babies brains and he clarified what those cysts were and this is NOT that. Again, they don't know what it is. He assured me that the team of specialist that had been and were being assigned to us were the best of the best. He told me that never in his career had he heard of a baby getting a MRI in utero. It blew his mind. Which blew MY mind! I know he was trying to express that what these doctors are doing for us is above and beyond any call of duty he has ever seen, but it still freaked me out! I called my mom, called my husband, vented to co workers. Nothing anyone could or can say can make me feel any better. Not till I know what is wrong with my son. 
So. We have another ultrasound scheduled with Dr. Nathan on the 8th, I see Dr. Kelley on the 9th. The MRI has not been scheduled yet, but Dr. Nathan is working on all that. I'll probably call next week just to check in and see where we are at. 
I feel blessed to have the doctors I do. I really feel so taken care of right now. I truly believe they are going to find out what this bubblegum is, why it is there, and do everything in their power to keep my baby safe and healthy. I KNOW THIS. I know that they will be with us every step of the way. I don't feel like a number. I feel like these are MY doctors and they only work for ME. That is a great feeling. I take comfort in this. I have to. Or i'll drive myself, and my amazing husband insane. 

Well. I hope this made sense! I apologize if it did not. I have baby brain :)