Monday, March 26, 2012

Do you ever wake up and just KNOW your day is going to suck? And there is nothing you can do about it? Today was one of those days. I woke up exhausted, and I couldn't shake that feeling of sadness. I spent the first couple hours of work running from the floor to the bathroom to cry....I felt silly and I know everyone was staring at me. But I really didn't care. Work is the LAST place I want to be right now. I'm pretty sure that is apparent to everyone around me. I am SO sick of everyone telling me "work will be such a good distraction for you" because guess what? IT IS NOT. When I am at work, I'm stressed out! Super stressed out! And everyone around me is stressed out too! Not to mention I am hyper sensitive and I feel like everyone is picking on me. The whole time at work I am thinking....there has got to be something more I can be doing for myself and my baby than being totally stressed out. I should be on walks with the dog, and snuggling my cats, sitting in the sun and reading a book. I should be doing things to keep me calm and relaxed, not jack up my blood pressure. But I don't have a choice. And that sucks. I HAVE to work. Ugh. 
So I spent most of my day in a total funk. Praying, crying, working, praying, asking for strength to get through the day. I created some projects to keep me busy and focused on something other than my shit attitude and how miserable I was. I really just kept my head down and charged through the day. The light at the end of the tunnel was a long walk with my sweet husband and even sweeter dog, Sienna. So by 7 pm I was in a bit better spirits. I couldn't WAIT to get home and go on my walk! And it was everything I hoped it would be. We saw cows, horses, happy people walking their dogs, kids throwing a softball back and forth, soccer practice. All these little things I took so much comfort in tonight. I think I smiled the entire time :) How crazy that we can be so depressed and down most the day, and all it takes is some quality time with the ones we love to make it all better. We came home and cooked dinner in our little kitchen, and ate at our new kitchen table. I felt "family" all around me. Even though it was just myself, Terry, the cats the dog and my little man hanging out int my belly. There was a warmth that I didn't feel all day. But man was I feeling it then. I still feel it as I write this. It is the simple things that I take pleasure in these days. I'm so grateful for the life I have. There was a time I had nothing and no one and didn't know if I was going to live another day. I went through HELL, and it was worth it because look at me now. So there MUST be a reason for the bubblegum journey. There is a lesson in all this, there is strength to be gained, there is so much love to be given....and the best part of this journey is the beautiful baby boy named Eli that will soon be in my arms :) Holy shit I am gonna be a mom! <3

No comments:

Post a Comment