So the last few weeks have been pretty up and down for me. Clearly. Sometimes it is a real struggle just to get through the work day. My mood swings are CRAZY. Like total whack-a-doo, kook a doodle doo, bat shit, fly off the handle, freak out CRAZY. I have made the connection between feeling like I am totally going to lose my mind, and needing to eat. If I eat....I generally feel much better. So needless to say I eat all the time :) Precautionary measures :)  My husband has figured this out as well. Terry gets an A++ in "how to reel in your crazy pregnant wife from a total meltdown." I think I have gotten better at giving myself some seconds before I just take that leap into psycho-town. Population ME. I hang on a little longer. 
I also know that getting as much sleep as possible is crucial to my overall well being. And I am NOT getting enough sleep. Especially the last few days. I can't turn off at night. Which on a non pregnant day is a real issue. I have had trouble sleeping since I was a little girl. Sleep is a struggle. And lately, my mind is racing full speed ahead. For good reason. SO MUCH has happened in such a short period of time. We feel like when we welcome Eli into this world he is going to be a tiny grown up, because we have already gone through so much with him! And its only getting started! 
It is getting closer and closer to Eli's next ultrasound with our specialist Dr. Nathan. We see him bright and early Monday morning. At night I pray pray pray for the bubblegum to go away. I pray that no matter what happens, no matter what we go through, that we are going to have a healthy, happy baby boy. Its comforting to feel him move so much now. That actually keeps me up a little at night too ;) But mostly, I just can't turn my brain off. I just spin out...over and over and over. Toss and turn. Go pee. Toss and turn some more and pee some more. Eat spoonful's of peanut butter and jelly...go pee...toss and turn. Before I know it, it is almost 3 am and everyone in the room is snoring but me. Which ALSO keeps me awake! When I AM able to turn off and let myself relax into some form of "sleep" I have nightmares about what the next ultrasound will show us. It's kinda like torture. And when I DO finally REALLY fall asleep, its time for my husband to leave for work (5am) which wakes my sleeping cats up and then its time for them to turn into total shitheads and piss me off for the next 3 hours. TORTURE. But they are so cute, I just let them do what they do. Newo and Oliver <3 Eventually they curl up next to me or on top of my head. All is forgiven. So yea! That is my night in a nutshell lately! 
I AM EXHAUSTED. But I am also getting really excited! I also have moments of sheer terror. Am I ready to be a mom?!?!?!?! It is all happening so fast! I kinda want to keep him inside my belly for longer than 9 months. A year sounds perfect :) I like him in there. I feel like he is safe :) But I am sure I will change my tune as time goes on. 
I am getting more pregnant by the minute. It is getting harder to put on my clothes, get my shoes on, I don't walk now....I waddle. People make fun of me when they see me because I used to walk so fast and now I poke along, take my time. When I get there, I get there. No rush! Everything just takes a little longer and requires more effort. I feel pretty ridiculous most of the time. My balance is WAY off.... more than usual if anyone can believe that. How I have manged to get this far without falling flat on my face...or on my big pregnant butt...is beyond me. Truly. I am a walking disaster most the time. In my head all I hear is "I am a nightmare walking"....the old school, british hardcore remix...but of course. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBBFHQXuEY0
With all that being said, I guess pregnancy suits me? Everyone keeps telling me how cute I look. Which normally I would hate, but I really love hearing that right now. Even if they have to say it...that's okay. You can lie to me. I will believe you anyways. I'll take all the compliments anyone and everyone wants to give me. Again, NOT LIKE ME AT ALL. I used to get VERY upset when anyone would tell me anything nice about myself. Take your compliments and shove them up your fake ass. I felt that way mainly because I truly believed there was no way that what they were saying could ever be true. But I don't feel so much disdain for myself these days. I kinda like myself. I think that I am pretty nifty. I am making a freaking human being. That is pretty damn amazing. Uh.Ma.Zing. 
So again I feel like I bounced all over the place, and made less than sense. I sat down with a list of things to write about and wrote about none of them :) I guess it's silly to have notes...and it's more about just writing from my heart. My once little black rotten heart....my heart which has softened and become smushy and mushy and gooey with love and junk :)