Holidays are hard! ALL OF THEM! I wasn't expecting to feel so sad on Easter. Generally its just Christmas day and Thanksgiving that really suck. But today Easter was no different. I don't even care about Easter. I'm not religious. But I do care about family. It has been 3 years now that I haven't been able to celebrate a holiday with my family. And its not like all the holidays in the past have been awesome....they haven't been. A lot of them....most of them.... have totally sucked but that was me and my piss poor attitudes fault. There were a couple years when I just didn't even show up...I COULDN'T show up.... because I was struggling to stay alive...wishing I were dead....and totally ashamed of the person I had become. But now that my life is different, and I finally have my family back....I want my holidays with them. I know I have a wonderful new family down here in Georgia. They love me, and I love them. But it is really hard for me to just all of the sudden be like "okay! this is your new family! so time to be totally comfortable with that idea!"...not. that. easy. I just let MY family back in my life. That is STILL a process. It didn't and doesn't happen overnight. And it is much easier for me to accept my new family on non holidays. Holidays are just a painful reminder that I am very, very far away from the people I love the most. So instead of listening to my husband when he says "pull it together and try to make the best of it", I sulk, I bitch, I complain, I cry, and I probably make everyone else as uncomfortable as I feel. I am an asshole. And it actually sounds pretty similar to how I made all the holidays back home. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!
Anyways...I had to get that out. It has been bothering me all day. 
Tomorrow we have another ultrasound to check on Eli's bubblegum. It's been almost 3 weeks since our last appointment. In a weird way I think that today being consumed by how much I hate holidays and miss my family, was a distraction from the fear that has been bubbling beneath the surface for the last couple days. The closer we get to tomorrow, the harder the days have gotten. I am thinking positive, I have high hopes! But I'd be lying to you all if I said I wasn't scared to death. I just hope I can get a good nights sleep and turn off my brain for a few hours. Might be hard since I just chugged a slurpee, major craving....brain freeze much?! 

So the last few weeks have been pretty up and down for me. Clearly. Sometimes it is a real struggle just to get through the work day. My mood swings are CRAZY. Like total whack-a-doo, kook a doodle doo, bat shit, fly off the handle, freak out CRAZY. I have made the connection between feeling like I am totally going to lose my mind, and needing to eat. If I eat....I generally feel much better. So needless to say I eat all the time :) Precautionary measures :)  My husband has figured this out as well. Terry gets an A++ in "how to reel in your crazy pregnant wife from a total meltdown." I think I have gotten better at giving myself some seconds before I just take that leap into psycho-town. Population ME. I hang on a little longer. 
I also know that getting as much sleep as possible is crucial to my overall well being. And I am NOT getting enough sleep. Especially the last few days. I can't turn off at night. Which on a non pregnant day is a real issue. I have had trouble sleeping since I was a little girl. Sleep is a struggle. And lately, my mind is racing full speed ahead. For good reason. SO MUCH has happened in such a short period of time. We feel like when we welcome Eli into this world he is going to be a tiny grown up, because we have already gone through so much with him! And its only getting started! 
It is getting closer and closer to Eli's next ultrasound with our specialist Dr. Nathan. We see him bright and early Monday morning. At night I pray pray pray for the bubblegum to go away. I pray that no matter what happens, no matter what we go through, that we are going to have a healthy, happy baby boy. Its comforting to feel him move so much now. That actually keeps me up a little at night too ;) But mostly, I just can't turn my brain off. I just spin out...over and over and over. Toss and turn. Go pee. Toss and turn some more and pee some more. Eat spoonful's of peanut butter and jelly...go pee...toss and turn. Before I know it, it is almost 3 am and everyone in the room is snoring but me. Which ALSO keeps me awake! When I AM able to turn off and let myself relax into some form of "sleep" I have nightmares about what the next ultrasound will show us. It's kinda like torture. And when I DO finally REALLY fall asleep, its time for my husband to leave for work (5am) which wakes my sleeping cats up and then its time for them to turn into total shitheads and piss me off for the next 3 hours. TORTURE. But they are so cute, I just let them do what they do. Newo and Oliver <3 Eventually they curl up next to me or on top of my head. All is forgiven. So yea! That is my night in a nutshell lately! 
I AM EXHAUSTED. But I am also getting really excited! I also have moments of sheer terror. Am I ready to be a mom?!?!?!?! It is all happening so fast! I kinda want to keep him inside my belly for longer than 9 months. A year sounds perfect :) I like him in there. I feel like he is safe :) But I am sure I will change my tune as time goes on. 
I am getting more pregnant by the minute. It is getting harder to put on my clothes, get my shoes on, I don't walk now....I waddle. People make fun of me when they see me because I used to walk so fast and now I poke along, take my time. When I get there, I get there. No rush! Everything just takes a little longer and requires more effort. I feel pretty ridiculous most of the time. My balance is WAY off.... more than usual if anyone can believe that. How I have manged to get this far without falling flat on my face...or on my big pregnant butt...is beyond me. Truly. I am a walking disaster most the time. In my head all I hear is "I am a nightmare walking"....the old school, british hardcore remix...but of course. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBBFHQXuEY0
With all that being said, I guess pregnancy suits me? Everyone keeps telling me how cute I look. Which normally I would hate, but I really love hearing that right now. Even if they have to say it...that's okay. You can lie to me. I will believe you anyways. I'll take all the compliments anyone and everyone wants to give me. Again, NOT LIKE ME AT ALL. I used to get VERY upset when anyone would tell me anything nice about myself. Take your compliments and shove them up your fake ass. I felt that way mainly because I truly believed there was no way that what they were saying could ever be true. But I don't feel so much disdain for myself these days. I kinda like myself. I think that I am pretty nifty. I am making a freaking human being. That is pretty damn amazing. Uh.Ma.Zing. 
So again I feel like I bounced all over the place, and made less than sense. I sat down with a list of things to write about and wrote about none of them :) I guess it's silly to have notes...and it's more about just writing from my heart. My once little black rotten heart....my heart which has softened and become smushy and mushy and gooey with love and junk :)

Well my friend that I spoke of in my last entry, who has the retro placental hemorrhage, she went to the ER yesterday because the pain was so bad. When she was FINALLY seen, the stupid doctor told her that basically her baby stands a 50/50 chance. What the hell kinda quackery is that? Her friend put it best "a 50/50 chance means the doctor doesn't know what the fuck he is talking about". Agreed. I like that much better than my "miracle babies happen all the time!" Which is true too. But I feel like in times like these you really have to believe that sometimes doctors just make shit up when they don't have a real answer. I feel good knowing that she is at the OB's office right now, seeing my doctor and she has an appointment with my specialist, now her specialist, Dr. Nathan :) She is in GREAT hands! I have just have to hope, pray and believe that her baby is that miracle baby that defies those stupid odds. I know she is scared shitless. I am scared shitless for her. I hope she knows she isn't alone and I am with her every step of the way. If I could take this all away for her, I would do it in a heartbeat. 

My friend, who I will call Snarly, quickly took the role of BFF when I got to Atlanta. We had a lot in common from the beginning. We were engaged to the same guy and went through similar crap with him, we shared similar pasts, we liked the same music...lots of stuff! But it got weirder....I got engaged and married. Soon she did the same. Our husbands names are almost exactly the same. Then I get pregnant and shortly after we announce ours, she confides her little bun in the oven to me! And now we are both going through some heavy stuff with our babies. Its just plain freaking weird. I love all the things that tie us so closely together. I do not love that we are both dealing with pain, fear and uncertainty when it comes to our pregnancies....but I can't think of a better person to go through something like this with, or a better person to have on my side. I have a handful of amazing women in my world. The few that I have here in Georgia are some of the best. I seriously don't know where I would be without these ladies. I would probably feel pretty alone. It is hard to uproot your world, leave your family and friends, and start a new life and feel like you are going through it all by yourself. I mean, I have my husband and he is wonderful and I love him so much. But there is nothing like YOUR family and best girlfriends. I thank my god all the time for the women he has put in my life. That last couple years I have developed some of the most amazing friendships. Friendships I seriously did not know were possible. Healthy friendships....with women! So I am grateful. For all of you!

Love you Snarly. And all you other wonderful women that fill my life up and make me complete <3

Pregnancy is such a fragile time. One minute everything is fine. You are on top of the world. And then out of the blue your world shifts with scary, uncertain news. I know this feeling all too well. But today I am thinking of one of my very best friends who was just told she has a retroplacental bleed. She is in the beginning of her second trimester and was just put on high risk this morning. I have been praying for her, and her little one non stop. I am SO upset because for one, I know how she feels on some level. Our circumstances are different, but I understand the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty, the helplessness, and the powerlessness she must be feeling. It is such a terrible place to be in your head. They tell you to not stress, don't worry, relax and take care of yourself. We can take care of ourselves to the best of our ability, but how the hell are we to not stress and worry? Impossible. We are women, and we are moms. That is what we do. I feel for her. I feel for her deeply. I am trying my hardest not to let this upset me too much. I don't want to cause any distress to my baby and our situation. But I am having a really hard time with this. And this is just so weird because our lives have run pretty parallel since before we even met. I mean, there are so many strange similarities going on. Bazaar. Being pregnant at the same time really put the cherry on top! It actually brought us back together. We had drifted apart for a short while, and it sucked. I love my friend and I love her little baby. I love being pregnant with her. I do not love that she too is now faced with such an ordeal. I will just keep praying for and her little one. Try to go about my day. It is all I can do. 

One of the joy's of pregnancy for me is the ability to actually take a nap. Last night I fell asleep around 6 pm and woke up around 8pm. It was glorious. I was totally confused and stupid when I awoke. Two signs of an awesome nap. What is NOT so awesome is napping so late in the day and then tossing and turning the entire night because you are no where NEAR tired. Along with late naps, I also don't recommend watching a Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon because during the little sleep I DID get, I was a fugitive on the run....and Leland was not chasing me so really what is the point of allllll that? Not to mention, my cat Oliver was being extra shit heady from about 5 am till when he forced me to wake up at 8. SOOOOO I am feeling pretty moody today. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Oh and did I mention I didn't win the Mega Millions so now I have to go back to work on Sunday? What kinda shit is that?! Okay, rant OVER. 


I mentioned a couple days ago how I felt Eli move for the first time :) Well the last couple days were pretty uneventful. And if you know me AT ALL I went on a total freak out and googled the hell out of "baby movement 2nd trimester". I learned what I already knew....if you are super busy when your baby is active then you probably won't notice the movement. Also, baby sleeps...just like us. So not to worry, Sara. Yea right. Last night I was determined to make Eli move so I placed Terry's headphones to my belly and blasted some Coheed. It worked! Terry said "maybe he doesn't like Coheed" but CLEARLY that entire statement is all sorts of wrong and was quickly shut down. Really? REALLY? How DARE he! Baby hearts Coheed and Cambria!!!


Another thing I wanted to mention is how HUGE i'm getting. It is happening so fast!!! And the stranger part of this is that I'm actually ALMOST okay with the weight gain. Even though it would appear my arms are pregnant with little fat babies growing in them. And for the first time in probably NEVER my legs touch. Meaty thighs! I had hoped some of the chunk would go to my butt, BUT nope. Still flat with a crack. No fairs. 
I know it sounds like I'm not okay with all the changes, but I pretty much am. I was terrified of getting pregnant for a very long time because of the weight gain. I even convinced myself that I would never have a baby just because I didn't want my body to go to shit. Then 28 rolled around, that clock started ticking VERY LOUDLY and I went totally goo goo ga ga baby crazy. Working at Whole Foods, constantly being surrounded by a sea of baby cuteness did not help. And of course after I was married, having a baby was ALL I could think about. But the weight gain still freaked me out. Having struggled with eating disorders since I was a little girl, I had every reason to be terrified of getting fat. But now I don't look at it like i'm "getting fat". I'm growing a freaking human being! And he needs me to feed myself and feed him. So that is what I am doing. Boy is Eli hungry :) 
So now I have a protective layer of chunk that I'm storing for when I nurse. I finally have energy again so I make a point to go on walks everyday I can. I try to make healthy choices, but sometimes a girl needs pizza and a milkshake! Fried pickles for breakfast? SURE! I'm doing the best I can, and I know this. I refuse to beat myself up,and give myself a hard time for gaining weight and indulging here and there. I have spent my entire life doing JUST THAT. I have always unhappy with the way I look. I have been my own worst enemy and treated my body terribly. I have tortured myself long enough. And for the greater good, I'm not doing that ANYMORE. For the first time in my life I am REALLY taking care of myself. And for now I take GREAT comfort in the fact that I am still wearing smalls. Even if they are maternity smalls :)  

Do me a favor....everyone PLEASE stop telling me how "they told me my child was gonna have this and he is fine!" or "ultrasounds are so sensitive they pick up everything and half the time its nothing!". Stop with alllllllll of that. JUST PLEASE STOP. I appreciate it. I really do. And it was comforting for a while. But its done making me feel better. I don't know why these stories are making me so angry. But they do. I already know all these things...I know doctors are wrong, and they make mistakes, and babies show markers for this and that and are born healthy ALL the time. I know this.....because it keeps getting drilled into my head. For me I have to be realistic. I BELIEVE that its all going to work out and Eli will be just fine. But do I believe that this is just a shadow, or that this is really nothing? No, I don't believe that. Maybe I am wrong. But right now I believe my doctors. I trust that they see what they see....especially since the feedback I have gotten on all my doctors thus far is AMAZING. If I just go about my life thinking that everything is totally fine, and walk around in this protective bubble, shrouded in a false sense of security and let all these wonderful stories about how everyone's babies were doomed from an ultrasound and then miraculously born perfect,....well what happens if there IS something to worry about? I am sorry I don't live my life like that. I worry. Its just who I am. I'm pretty sure most women do. And I have to be prepared on some level for SOMETHING. I know everyone is just trying to help. And I feel like an asshole for feeling the way that I feel. I feel even more terrible that my angel of a mother is the person that I just took my bottled up frustration out on. She was only trying to help and make me feel better. And instead of just indulging her like I should have I totally snapped. I'm pretty sure she cried when we got off the phone. I know I did. The last person I want to upset is my mom. Dammit. 

I JUST FELT MY BABY MOVE!!!!! I have been WAITING for this moment! This is what happened - 
I woke this morning feeling like shit on a stick. The room was spinning. I haven't woken up and felt like that in a few weeks. I drank a little OJ and ate a banana and laid back down. BAD MOVE. Heartburn city and it was all I could do to keep the banana down. As I was lying there feeling like I was right back in my 1st trimester, I tried to remind myself that feeling sick is the sign of a healthy pregnancy. Then I got to thinking....hey, why haven't i felt Eli move yet? I know it happens between 16 and 22 weeks. Clearly this is cause for concern, no? NO SARA IT IS NOT. Before I completely jumped off the cliff into a total freak out I remembered something I had read a couple days ago. If you lay quiet and still you might be able to feel your baby move. So that is what I did. It didn't take too long before I felt the beginnings of a fart...then more farts...but I never actually farted. Could my baby moving feel like a fart? If you have ever been pregnant, or are pregnant (or are a Tobin) you know that gas is something you experience regularly. It is my stinky sidekick. It is what it is. So clearly this is just gas and any minute I am going to cut the cheese. BUT I DIDN'T!! Then those farts I felt actually felt more like little punches and kicks! He is dancing!!! AMAZING! I think what I thought were farts last night were little baby dance moves TOO! I started to cry happy tears! Surely my little baby Eli is doing just fine in there if he is busting out the dance moves! I texted my husband and DC bff Buhnessa to share the news (again, I have changed her name to protect anonymity) I took a shower..still smiling! And what do you know, I feel a little better! Not as pukey, not as miserable. Hopefully I can have a good day at work now. THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!!! I love my little baby break dancing in my belly :) he is cuttin a rug...schoolin out on that little baby dance floor. Just like his mommy used to do :)